Always remember socks

Yesterday I received a call from a dear friend of mine asking if I was free that night and if I wanted to see Elton John in concert. A chance to see, quite possibly the only gay knight?! And considering he is old 64 now, of course I accepted.  We were aware that it could rain lightly so we brought jackets, blankets, and umbrellas. Naturally I didn't seriously think about my shoe choice until we were on our way and it was raining.

We met up with everyone and put down our blankets on the (already) wet grass and when we took off shoes, as to not get our blankets even more wet/gross, I realized I was going to be barefoot the whole concert. This was an unpleasant thought and made me curse the skies above me loudly with outstretched arms.

It being as cold as it was, everyone huddled together really close under blankets to share body heat, similar to Luke and the Tauntaun but everyone was alive and no one was trying to kill us and we were on a planet inhabited by other humans. If you don't get that reference then fucking Google it. Because you should learn it. But because of our awkward lumpy shape, people were looking at us funny and even took a picture. We were being perfectly appropriate, unlike others around us. And no I'm not just talking about those guys next to us higher than a city in the clouds.

SLOW GRINDING TO ELTON JOHN -wait let me correct this- SIR ELTON JOHN IS ABSURD.

Sure it's cold. Sir, go ahead and hold your female accompaniment to share warmth. There is no need to grab her hips and pull her to your nether regions. Chick, we can see you and what you are doing. Stop moving just your ass up and down against him. You aren't even moving your upper body. And your face reveals how much fun you are actually having doing this. Which is none.  So when Rocketman is playing for 13 minutes and you are rubbing your butt on his groin, think about your life and what you are doing with it. Because clearly your male friend is mainly interested in your private square. Unless there is more than just that, then grow a pair (or just grab his) and tell him enough is enough. Especially because as soon as that old lady over there turns this way and sees you, she might have a heart attack and die and your lack of decency and assertiveness JUST KILLED HER.


So next time you are out in public and are wondering if the action you are doing/thinking about doing is appropriate or not, remember that there are always observant freaks who will judge you and maintain the awkward eye-contact when you check to see if you are being discrete.

Also always dress for the weather. Then you don't need to worry about sharing body heat. Or killing old women.

"I can't help you with your problems, I'm not a proctologist."