I pee in peace

I understand that it's different for men and women when they go to the bathroom. First, the ladies' room has awesome couches. We have little lounges in our bathrooms. Well not all of them, but any decent ones have a room with lots of mirrors and couches. This is why we go to the bathroom together. We can relax away from the other people on a comfy la-z-boy. We also go in pairs and can make friends in the bathroom. Girls can get talking with each other in the bathroom and it isn't weird.
      From what I understand about boys, it's all business. Go in alone, take care of what you need, ignore everyone else, and get out. Just imagine being at the urinal and the guy next to you leaves over and goes "Dude I love your shirt. Where did you get it?" Haha yeah. Fucking weirdo.


But I KNOW that everyone feels the same way about this. No one wants someone to choose the stall next to them once you've already claimed yours. When there is only 2 stalls, you just suck it up. But when there are at least 3 stalls, it's annoying for this person to choose the middle stall or one too close to you.  I walked into a bathroom on campus the other day that had 7 stalls in it. The bathroom was empty but there was a girl who was walking in behind me (I held the door open behind me. I'm still courteous). Knowing all this, I chose a stall that was on the end. This dumb bitch chose the stall right next to me. Really? Really? Dumb slut. So I was like "Well, this is annoying. Crimeney." SHE HAD THE WHOLE REST OF THE BATHROOM TO CHOOSE FROM. Get away go to the other side. Geez. And then she was digging around in her backpack or something the whole time. So I got the Hell out of there. I ain't dealing with her trying to find a tampon.

Really. It's just politeness to get the Hell away from me. I just want to piss in peace.

"I wish I could channel all my sexual energies into sex."

Guns and Stalkers and Burn Notice

So in class the other day we were watching an old demonstrative movie about different firearms. It was this guy with a great pedophile mustache and bad 70/80s porno music. He was just shooting different kinds of bullets from different caliber weapons and showing the impact on such things as jugs of water, targets, and beat-up piece of shit cars. Whenever he was using something of a high caliber and super lethal ammo, he would say something like "This is going to make a splash!" Then he would shoot the jug of water and it would just explode. And after he let loose with a Tommy Gun he just sighed really loudly and went " Ahhhhhh." To keep with the theme of the porno music, naturally.

But this got me in the mood to go shoot guns again. I mean I've only ever gone once. I went with my dad. And thinking about that time made me laugh because my mom is silly.

So every semester we spend a couple lectures on explosives and firearms. Which I love. I love things that go bang. Like with fire. But I quickly was alerted to the fact that I was one of 10% of the class that did not own or had not fired a gun. Airsoft and BB guns do NOT count. So I had told my dad last year that I wanted to go to a range and shoot some. It was over the holidays when I first brought this up and my mom was there but she apparently blocked that memory out. I mentioned it a few more times with my dad and we were going to try to go together when I was home in March. Fast forward a few months and it was tax season. My dad was helping me out with (and by helping me out I mean doing) my taxes and I had to call home to talk to him about it.
         My mom answered and when I asked for my dad she got all upset saying "What you don't want to talk to me? Fine." So I talk with my dad and then bring up going to the range. He was waiting on his FOID card to come. Then he lets this one out: "Your mom thinks you have a stalker." I was so taken aback by this. I had no idea how she came up with that. I reassured my dad that I did not and that everything was fine.
         Apparently this is how my mom's logic went: My daughter wants to go fire guns. She wants to learn how to properly handle them. That must means she is going to go buy a handgun. If she has a gun, she must need a reason to use it. Why? Because someone is stalking her and she is going to pump him full of lead.

   REALLY?!?!?! Instead of being like "Oh hey parents. There is this really creepy guy who is following me around and won't stop, what should I do?" she assumes that I would keep that a secret and just try to blow the guy away. Good one.

So moral of this story is that I inherited a lot of the way I think from my mom. So when you can't understand the random-ass jumps or lack of transitions when I talk, remember I don't have a stalker. I just like to shoot things.

"Excuse me, but I have reputations to destroy."

Grin and bear it bitch

Hi. Hello. Um HEY. Yeah. You know me. And I know you. YES I'M LOOKING AT YOU TOO. We've made eye contact. Yes it's just walking past each other. But still. You can acknowledge my existence. I know you know who I am. You "Liked" my status on Facebook TODAY. So yeah, I'm going to smile at you. We don't need to have a goddamn conversation. We aren't that good of friends. We can still be polite. Oh. Oh wait. No smile in return? No sort of salutation? You can't even pretend that you didn't see me. There are only 3 people in the hallway right now. There is no way that you didn't see the only other moving creatures in the vicinity. You can't even fake that you are texting someone? Just flat out ignore me? Okay. Cool.

Why? Why bother doing that? I mean I know I'm awkward as shit but I'm still nice. I smile at everyone I recognize and like or have a decent amount of respect for. How do you not interact in the slightest? Just making us polite people look like fucking fools for trying to acknowledge your presence even if it is only for half a second. Crimeney. And you think you're professional and shit.

Just put on a god damn smile. A smirk or grin does the trick. Even a fucking head nod. Christ.

"When in doubt, blame it on a man."

You have what?!?!

One of my good girl friends from home and I have a love of making lists together. We have a "Words List" of unpleasant words to say or hear. Some are phrases and others have motions attached to them. These are the ones I find most entertaining.

Another list we have is my list of skills. These are not the typical skills one would imagine. One of my talents is "Not sharing." And I am really good at that one. Especially (and mostly) when it involves foods and beverages. And especially if it's something I've purchased recently for myself. I bought it for myself, not for you to enjoy in front of me. Or behind my back for that matter.

The best way to avoid sharing food/drink with others is to feign a disease. I know it isn't appropriate to choose serious diseases as a joke, but it gets the job done. Take last night as an example. I had a Den Pop and was enjoying it thoroughly. Some guy was talking to me and said how delicious it looked and snatched the straw and had himself a gulp. I gasped and looked up at him with a horrified expression. With the straightest face I could, I quickly explained "I have herpes..."  This guy freaked out. He backed away and once I realized how concerned he was, I laughed and said I was just messing with him. But he continued to fake vomit all over the place. Like if I actually had any contagious nonsense that was going to do the trick. Vomiting the already ingested germs, which are all up in yo mouth, is  going to be real effective bro. Let me repeat this: I do NOT have herpes. Or any such disease.

I just really dislike sharing and really enjoy the awkward reactions of people who think they are contracting a new illness. Because they look like sick dumbfounded morons.

"Statistically speaking, you can get away with murder."

Just 30 more minutes

I think the Snooze button is one of the worst inventions in the world.

There is not a single morning that my alarm goes off that I don't hit snooze at least once. And somehow I learned about this terrible feature of my snooze button. If you tap it once, it adds 10 minutes.  If you double tap it, it adds 20 minutes.  If you triple tap it really fast, it adds 30 minutes. And so on and so forth. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT? So now my sleepy dumbass self just slaps the button several times and oh wait is it not going to try to wake me up for another 40 minutes? Don't I have class in 25 minutes? Greaaaaaaaat.

Part of the reason I almost always snooze at least once is because of the radio. My alarm is the radio because those damn beeps are just too annoying that I turn off my alarm instead of snoozing. Which is obviously worse. I like the surprise of seeing what awesome song is going to wake me. Except Round One rarely starts off with an awesome song. Hell no am I starting my day off listening to Taylor Swift or songs like Marry Me or Moves like Jagger or whatever the shiz that song is. Seriously? Moves like Mick Jagger? Have you seen the man recently? The only moves he's going to have soon are in and out of a wheelchair. Yeah baby that's hot...
        But anyways, since the radio plays stupid songs I am forced to give it a second chance by snoozing and hope that something better (preferably some old-school 90s) wakes me up. Then I know my day will be better. For example, I went through 3 snooze shifts today passing over Bruno Mars/Grenade, Train/Marry Me, and something other stupid. I decided to wake up with Lady Gaga. You know like, with her. Yeah you know what I mean. Yeah baby that is hot (I wish. That shit would be crazy).

Waking up would be so much easier if I had some crazy iPod station that I could just pick some great playlist to wake me up. But from across the room. I would start my day with awkward dancing as I'm laying in bed. What better way to begin a new day than with awkward jerking motions while you lie horizontally?

"Who put hot sauce on your tampon today, little miss snippy?"

I'm too wet for this

I blame my mom 100% for this issue of mine. I know I'm weird. You don't need to remind me of that. And this is just another weird random quirk of things about me that I cannot stand.

As a tiny child, my hair was decently long. It was usually at my shoulders or longer. And my mom loved turtlenecks. On me. When I would get out of the shower I would grab my towel and go to my room and start drying off. But I was still at a young age where my mother would dress me. And she would come in and pull a turtleneck onto me. With my hair still wet. SO BAD.

Cold, wet hair. Stuck to my body. Running down my neck. No matter how hard I tried, I could never ever get my hair dry enough fast enough before my mom swooped in for the kill. And I couldn't get my hair to get out of my shirt quick enough. It gave me the willies. And still does.

So now I have to be completely dry after I get out of a shower, pool, lake, fountain, etc. before I can attempt to put on clothes without chills running up and down my spine. Even my ankles have to be dry or putting on pants bothers me. This will always be a problem for me and I know that there is no way for me to change it. Way to go mom. Scarring your only daughter for life. All I can say is thank God I chopped my hair so it's not an issue anymore. See mom? Look at what you make me do.

"Put some chocolate on it and I might consider it."

Put down your hand

There's that one kid, or several annoying bastards, in every class. Doesn't matter the size of the class, it could be a small 30 person class or huge 400 person lecture. But this kid has to always raise their hand and ask a dumbass question. Even worse is when someone raises their hand to point out a "mistake" that is not actually a mistake.

Today in physics recitation the TA was showing how to do a problem and explained how the mass is irrelevant because it will cancel in the equation. He finished explaining how to work the problem in two different ways when this dumb girl with disgusting hair raised her hand.
                 -->Side note: This girl is in many of my classes. Her hair is long and knotty. When I say long, I mean it is down past her ass. And she is not physically fit. And once in lecture she was sitting in front of me and the seats were tiered and I was in sandals and she swung her hair around the chair and it landed on my foot. I nearly vomited. Cut that. Cut it now.
   So she raises her hand. And the TA calls on her and she asked how on Earth she is supposed to solve this problem when the mass is not given. He then had to reexplain the problem to her. YOU WERE SITTING IN THE SECOND ROW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR NOT SEEING OR HEARING HIM TRY TO TEACH YOU. So shut your mouth and let him give us the equations to solve the rest of the homework.

But she isn't alone. In my huge lectures there was always the same kid who raised his hand to ask random-ass questions. Questions on things that the professor had just spent 25 minutes explaining. Eventually the professor would just look at the dude and then ignore him the whole time. This is not the time to be asking these questions you idiot. That is why you have a recitation with the TA who is also in every lecture. Ask Tom. Even if Tom is an asshole, he will answer your damn question.

And last week in one of my classes some twat-waffle didn't even raise his hand. He just blurted out that our professor, who has been teaching this course for years, was spelling some enzyme wrong. She looked at her notes, looked up at him, and just calmly said "NO." So not only did he look like a jerk for shouting in class, he was a moron for shouting out about something wrong.

Just remember, there is such a thing as a stupid question. So keep your fucking mouth shut.

"I tried to get rid of my headache, but he came back."

Out of the way!

How do people not know how to walk? I don't mean that they cannot physically move their legs and put each foot in front of each other on repeat. I mean when they have to interact with other beings moving, they are unable to comprehend logic.

Let's say there is a thin sidewalk and there are 2 of you walking side by side creating a moving wall. Just chatting it up about den pops or how you have a wedgie and if it's clear to pick it. You both are looking forward as you are walking and here I am walking towards you. Appropriately moving along the right edge of the sidewalk. Since movement along a walking path is similar to driving, stay on the right side and pass on the left. Foreigners: adjust faster. Just open your eyes and follow what everyone else does. Crimeney.

Anyways. So here we are.
Me versus the two of you. We have made awkward eye contact. You know I am here and we're on a collision course. AND YOU DON'T MOVE. What the Hell? Where I am I supposed to go? Do I really have to be forced to get off the path into the street or something because you are rude enough that you can't stop walking next to each other instead of just walking in a line for 10 seconds?

But really you can't even blame a certain race or ethnicity or anything like that because everyone is always so rude.

But the worst are the slow walkers. Damn dude I'm trying to get to my destination in a timely manner and you might as well just be crawling or slithering around. But for some reason I cannot get around you because you are conveniently walking in my way at a speed that I cannot walk around you without running into someone going the opposite direction. I just can't stand it. If you are going to slowly morph into a snail, please do it not in the middle of the sidewalk you dumb turd.

"I'm not just going to Hell. I'm going to Hell on a full scholarship."

American Horror Story

SCARY THINGS ARE AWESOME.

I don't know if anyone else has a haunted area, but my parents' (HOLD ON. JUST ACCIDENTALLY TURNED ON AMERICAN HORROR STORY. BE PREPARED FOR RANDOM COMMENTS FROM THE SHOW. JUST THOUGHT IT WAS IRONIC THAT I JUST TURNED IT ON) house is haunted. I've known it almost since we moved in there. Our house is very old and has had 5 different additions after it was originally built. The upstairs has had the most work done on it. (Holy Shit the opening credits are freaky as fuck). I'm going to describe how the upper layout was for the majority of my life. At the top of the stairs on the left is a bedroom. Continue down the hall and there was my bedroom on the right. The hall would turn left and straighten out to my parents' room. You pass the bathroom and the nursery on the way there. I could not stand to be alone in my room after the sun had set. Once the lights outside had to turn on, there was no way I couldn't even have a tea party in my room. Granted I only used apple juice and goldfish. But that's not important. The reason I couldn't be alone up there, was because I was being watched. My parents weren't there to stand over me, and there was only my younger brother was around but he was always asleep really early and doesn't count. (Wow this shows is good. So much nudity). And then things started to go missing. Books, important documents, personal items, camera film. Sometimes, things would reappear in random places that were not appropriate for the items. Most have never shown up again.

There was a lot of activity this spring in summer in the house. It happened mostly to me and Brother 1. Before I got home from school, Brother 1 saw her. He drove up from school or somewhere. The light that's over the stairs turned on. There is that window we have at the landing on the stairs. So he saw the light turn on (What the Hell is going on in this show). And saw a womanly figure walk up the stairs and passed the landing. He went in the garage since the front door was locked. Once he got inside he shouted hello to my mom. No one was home.

I got home from school a few weeks later. I was really tired one night and went upstairs to my room and was reading. My phone was on silent. In the morning, I had a message from Brother 1 demanding I come downstairs, he needed me. I asked him what happened? He had been studying for finals and was going to get water out of kitchen. It was storming out. He was standing at the counter looking out towards the rest of the great room including the family room with 3 walls of windows. A flash went off and he looked up and saw her again. Standing in the room. In front of the window. The next flash of lightning showed nothing. He was paralyzed for a few minutes so that's why he messaged me.

The next week I came home late. Around 2 am. My parents' room was lit. I just walked past that part of the hall and down the hall to my room. Fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour later I heard a thud and it woke me up. I heard my mom talking. Well I heard a woman's voice but couldn't hear the words. I could tell someone was replying and heard boxes being moved.  It took me awhile before I could fall back asleep. Let me note my bedroom is in the front of the room so I can hear the difference between noises outside and noises inside. In the morning I asked why my parents were up so late. They were confused because they fell asleep at 1:30. No one except me was awake that late. No one else heard people talking or moving things.

I am not sure I really believe in ghosts. But they can freak me out. If a demon wants to possess you, what the fuck are you going to do?? You can't stop that shit. But I love it. It freaks me out and I can't stand it and it is awesome.

What I want to do, and I have wanted to do this for a while, is record small children singing. Anything with kids is automatically terrifying. I want to get a couple of kids together to sing "Rain rain, go away." Very, Very slowly. I want to have a recording of them singing so that whenever the water starts to slowly drip down and the lightning flashes, I will call you randomly. From an unknown or blocked number. And play the recording. In a silent room. When the recording ends, I will just slowly breathe into the phone. Until you finally hang up. Or I'll whisper a short phrase answering your question. Then hang up. Freaked out? Just wait until the rain starts to fall.

"I measure my success by body count."

Mumbling psycho

Hospitals are good places to people watch. You get a large variety of people there being treated and people there waiting for them.  People are passed out on couches, preparing for exams while waiting for friends to get fixed up, and fellows holding towels tightly against their bloody sliced fingers.  You can also tell who is a regular patient in the ER.

But why the Hell does this waiting room lack magazines?! And where are all the hot doctors?! Grey's Anatomy, among other shows, has taught me that there are always doctors oozing sex on duty and storage closets are always open and available for action. I can assure you this is a myth. And why aren't the couches regulation length? Even a shorty can't lay down on these. Who organizes the furniture here anyways? You don't put all the couches together in a powwow and only have chairs in the rest of the room. Or hide the vending machines behind the only wall in the room.

I need to get out of here. I'm not sleeping here. 3 hours and I'm out. Out of my freaking mind.

"If only I could find a job that pays me to sleep."

You are hot stuff. Like pizza.

What makes people attractive? Why do people fall for you? Ever wonder why people like you? I wonder this all the time. Because I think I'm fucking weird.

Since I've gotten my hair cut real short, I have fallen in love with fauxhawking it. I feel like a badass. I look badass. I don't care if it isn't girly enough. I mean I chopped off very many inches of hair already. Everyone said I was going to look butch. I don't. So why can't I fauxhawk it? Guys do it, I can do it too.

I have girl balls. Or so I have been told. By many. In fact, I was informed that they dropped at the early age of 8. I must have told a story about how I did something gutsy then. I always thought that this made me too intimidating to guys. Like when I wear high heels since they make me about 6 feet tall. My brother told me I'd never get a boyfriend because of that. I'm loud, aggressive, quirky, nerdy, and brutally honest. Do guys really like that? They don't get scared of me? How is that attractive?

Some people are just visible gorgeous. And it's true, there is a difference between being hot and being beautiful. And everyone has their own idea of each so that every person out there is considered lovely. So these naturally gorgeous people, do they know they are physically attractive? Do they ever wonder if the people interested are seeing beyond the outer presentation? Does it matter if these people are weird? Is being pleasant to look at all that you need for people to like you?

So why do we like who we do? Why do people like us? Why don't we ever really know? People can tell you you're nice and funny and cool and shit like that but it doesn't mean you believe it. And the individuals who know they are the shit aren't worth your time. Those sassy bastards.

I just wonder sometimes...

"You think I'm nasty? I think you're right."