Alcoholic Fish

Recently a friend has relayed a disturbing new trend to me. She was talking about some high school students who are turning into big party kids. And doing Minnow Shots. Um whaaaaaaaaaaaat.

This is quite possibly one of the dumbest things I have ever heard of. No, it is not just a dumb guy taking a shot with a minnow in it as a dare. They are going out and collecting tiny fish and putting them in shots of  alcohol. Probably vodka they carry around in a water bottle. Yeah. Real discrete kids, real secretive. And everyone is doing it. Why?! There is no logical (idiot's logic or legitimate logic) reason for doing this. I mean I've heard of other dumb drinking things like doing shots into your eye. The idiot logic for that one is that the alcohol gets into the blood stream faster despite the immense amount of pain of pouring alcohol ONTO YOUR EYEBALL. What sort of purpose does a small fish have? Does it help stir around everything in your stomach? You don't taste it, it's a shot. So why?? Does this seem cool to you, you 16 year old alcoholic? Yeah, you are really starting your life off on a good note. I wish I knew more people like you. Ha.

If you see someone doing this please slap them. If you start doing them, I will slap you. Can we please not have any other moronic drinking trends start? Wonderful. Because this shiz needs to stop a lot faster than an asian lady approaching a stop sign.

"He who laughs last is probably really stupid."

Fresh cheese balls.

I made a fabulous sandwich today. I thought it was delicious enough to share.

       So I really like fresh mozzarella cheese. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is way better than any other cheese and is always wonderful and nom. Nom nom nom. At home, I'll help make appetizers with my mom that are just like mini kabobs with a small ball of fresh mozzarella, baby tomato, and an olive (I don't like olives so I just give mine to the dog. Clearly I'm her favorite). So I knew that tomato and mozzarella was savory together.
       I really wanted to melt the cheese onto my sandwich sort of like panini style, or how they use cool culinary blow torches, but I wasn't really prepared for either of these approaches. So I just sliced up the cheese and put it on very lightly toasted bread. It didn't really get anything melty but I pretended it did anyways. I sliced up some tomato and put it on the other slice of bread. Then I took my deli turkey and just layered it between. The mozzarella was just these little balls in olive oil and some herbs (maybe Basil?) and so those flavors carried over onto the bread so no other condiments were needed. It was like heaven in my mouth. All the flavors blended perfectly but still stood out in their own special way.


My mouth is literally watering right now thinking of how delicious this simple sandwich was. Like if someone asked for a bite to try it, they would get shut down faster than the federal government when there is an inch and a half of snow. Haven't been to D.C. with a "winter storm" advisory for 2 inches of snow? That's good because everything closes. Even when there ends up being no snow at all...

"I chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week."

Eskihoes galore

It's when the weather turns like this that you start to see the rare Eskihoes emerge. I have studied these creatures for a while now. Never have I seen a male of these beings, only females. There is one main way to identify these unique individuals: look for the girls with short shorts or mini skirts and Ugg boots on. It may not need to be Uggs per say- just any type of cold weather boots.

Here is my problem with Eskihoes: If it's warm enough to be showing off your entire leg then why the hell do you need to wear heavy boots? And if it's going to be cold enough to wear warming boots, why the fuck do you have on booty showing clothes?

What is even the point of wearing those boots? You are just going to go home or a friends' apartment and take off your shoes. And because it is warm enough to be wearing your skanky outfits, that means it's warm enough to make your feet sweat. STINKY FEET. So you look sleazy and smell like an elephant just shit on a skunked wet dog. NONE of this is attractive. It was a good try, dumb bitch, but you still are having a huge no-no moment. I don't care if you even took 30 min to style your hair to make it seem like you just rolled out of bed. It. Does. Not. Work.

Another thing I don't understand. Shorts with leggings or tights. The same principle applies. If you can wear shorts and you want to wear shorts, why do you need an extra layer covering the rest of your legs? You look like a 5 year attempting to dress herself for the first time. Just put on a pair of pants. Or wear a dress/shirt that is long enough to wear with just leggings/tights. You don't make sense and look foolish.

If you ever see me in such an outfit, please slit my throat.

"Girl, that's not a makeover. That's a cry for help!"

I like my meat in the morning

Today was a roommate grocery shopping day. As some people know, I don't consistently have a car so when someone decides to make a run to Payless (grocery not shoe store. I know it confused the crap out of me too) then I jump into their car and say leggo.  And because I never know when I might make it back to replenish my supply of delicious morsels, I always stock up. For example, like with

BACON! 

In the past, my mom always suggested that I get the precooked bacon so that I could just heat it up quickly and add it to whatever it is that needs tasty strips of fabulousness. Like breakfast burritos, paninis, cupcakes, burgers, potatoes, bacon, etc. What? Bacon on bacon is the best. Doubt me? Then make it. Learn that I am always right. But really. Also, a perk is that it is way less messy. But recently I had bought some normal uncooked applewood bacon. NOM. So good. I mean once I did cook it obviously. I ain't no dumbass. And even though I haven't finished it, I still went over and checked out the prices of bacon at the store. When I saw the deal for 2 boxes of bacon for $6 it was just a deal I couldn't pass up.  So now I have an incredible amount of one of my absolute favorite meats. Easily top 3. I think.

Which I've been told is odd for a girl. So I really like bacon a lot and love to add it to many foods. I would choose it over veggies or something like that in a heartbeat. Apparently most girls enjoy bacon, but don't start drooling when they think of it nice and crispy and savoring that juicy taste. I don't understand. I'm actually drooling right now. (EWWWW. But like really.)

Maybe I just like bacon the same way I like my men: flavorful with a tough exterior, but weak enough so I can still break them and shape them how I like.

And apparently I take blogging requests?


"I am the exception to every rule."

Baby don't hurt me

Today I watch 500 Days of Summer for the first time. I've noticed several relationships similar to this movie. Except the whole marriage part. I don't really know many people getting married right now, I'm not that old. I'm still a baby (according to everyone older than me but age is not the subject of today). The subject today is the lack of emotions.

For a long time, society has told us that women are more emotional and dramatic. That we are all longing for a prince charming- or someone with a lot of money- to come find us, out of the billions of people on the planet. Then we have a wedding fit for a princess with lots of poofy and sparkly dresses and pretty colors and magic falling from the sky. Then our life is complete and we are awesome housewives and live happily together forever and ever.
 Happily ever after my ass.

The media has also taught us about how men are easy going and just go with the flow and can stay detached from their feelings. They are less emotional and more grounded and get applauded for being players. They never think about marriage and then out of the blue some angel drops onto their lap and they take away her independence and try to trap her in a kitchen. Bullshit.

This movie exposed what some people refuse to believe: girls can be just as detached as guys and boys can be more emotional invested and complicated like some girls are. These independent girls are often singled out as crazy or weird or sluts. Just like boys, not all girls want to be in a relationship. Some of us just like having fun and having to DTR (Define The Relationship) is annoying. Why can't things just stay how they are? Why do labels need to be attached? Why must emotions and facebook statuses get involved?

Not all girls have a white dress goal. Some have their wedding planned out, some have dates they want to be married by, some just don't give a flying fuck. Just because we can fool around or be really great best friends doesn't mean we all want more than that. Not saying we don't care, just saying that we don't want to be exclusively tied to you with emotions and having to be required to get each other gifts (instead of just being nice) or having trust issues about being around other people or communication issues (opposed to just not talking for a while because you have nothing to say). I mean I love everyone in my life, that doesn't mean I'm in love with you.

Everything gets more complicated when you involve emotions. Everyone knows that. Anyone who doesn't is incredibly dumb. And now knows it. And just because we don't want to be in a complex relationship constantly doesn't make us bad people. People who lie about it are bad people. Don't be a tricksy bastard with potential suitors.

At the end of the movie you end up feeling sort of bad for the guy. He fell in love with a girl who said she doesn't believe in love and who doesn't want a boyfriend. That is not her fault. I'm not saying it's his fault, but it is definitely not her problem.  She was straight up with him and he brought to the bedroom emotions that she didn't have or want.  Usually it's the other way around and they guy doesn't want commitment and the girl is all like "Oh but I love you!" and then is like "You're an asshole I can't believe I fell for your stupid lies!" It's nice to see a little heartbreak go the other way. Go ahead and call me a terrible person for saying it's a good change of pace to see a strong independent woman get what she wants and see the all-mighty white man fall to his knees for being unable to listen to her. Personally, I think he should go make her a sandwich.

"When in doubt, aim for the balls."

Fairies without wings

Recently I got a, what some would call drastic, haircut. My hair was about the length of my shoulders and I decided to chop it all off. I had wanted to do this for a long time but there was a lack of faith and trust in a good hairdresser so I waited.

Every girl understands the need to have a good hair stylist to cut our hair.  We all have had our fair share of botched haircuts. Ones so bad you have to run to a different hair stylist to get it fixed before anyone else saw you. Not many guys understand this because they have very basic haircuts. Also, we get very loyal to the people who can cut our hair they way we like. We trust them to make sure that we don't look like total buffoons when we go out in public (minus what clothes we are wearing or nonsense we put on our face).

So I got a pixie cut. It's super short. Like maybe an inch of hair in the back and on the sides. I still have bangs and it's still long on top so I can make it messy and gel it or slick it back or just have it normal.

I made a hypothetical $20 bet with one of my good friends the day that I got my "trim." I uploaded the picture to the right along with another one onto facebook. I made this fictional wager that NO BOYS would comment on either picture. It was fine if they "liked" the pictures but that none would comment on them. And I almost won this fictional bet except my brother had to say I looked like I belong in She's The Man. But why was he the only one? Why wouldn't a guy comment on them? Lots of girls did...

Is it because I look too much like a boy now? Totally disregarding my appropriately sized tits or my decently apparent waist or my tight jeans hugging my hips and ass. Does the fact that I willingly went and removed a lot of my hair make me intimidating? Or at least more intimidating than usual?
Maybe it's because they just don't understand. Why would someone with hair as long as mine was cut it all off? What is the purpose?

It's fun. It's playful. It's packed with attitude. And when would be a better time to experiment than right now? I love it. I can gel it up like a faux-hawk. How badass is that?

Just because I have short hair now does not make me look like a dyke. And I don't appreciate your jokes about it. None of us sexy girls with pixie cuts do. Because let's be honest, if you could, you would still bang Tinkerbell.

"I'll decide whether it's a compliment or sexual harassment."

Touch down in the friend zone

The friend zone. Conversations about this mythical land have been coming up a lot recently in my life and it's made me start to think. What is this zone and how do you get put in it? Is there a way out? Is it ever mutual?

I feel like the "friend zone" is something that only girls use. Like the whole, you are such a good guy and I know that and I love everything about you: you're funny, and nice, and a good listener, and respectful. I just wish all that was in a different body that I was sexually attracted to. Or one that has manners. Or doesn't make butt sex jokes every 5 minutes.  Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe boys do this too. They have a friend that they think is fucking awesome but would never let anything happen with because they don't want it to happen, not because they are worried about what would be the result if something did happen.

But that's just it. The nice guys get thrown into the "friend zone." In my experience, and the experiences of my friends, there are 2 types of guys: ones forward enough and let you know they want you straight from the start and the ones who wait around because they don't know how they feel and wouldn't want to destroy what relationship you have (which is just friends). These more cautious fellows tend to get passed over more often because of this. Which isn't fair I know but sorry boutcha.

I'm not sure if there is a way out of this. I've never seen someone (in real life) go from "Oh we're just friends" to "We're in love" without the thought that there could be something having passed through the individuals' minds before. It's hard to make that comeback from being a nonsexual object. Unless you both are quite drunk and someone takes off their clothes. Then maybe the possibility will arise. But I don't think so.  The couples that become... coupley... after they had been friends were never just friends. At least one of the people had thought about something more or had a naughty dream about the other.  They just don't always want to admit it (sober).

Do guys have a friend zone? They might say they do, but if given the opportunity for more with one of their lady friends, would they not take it? Because don't, generally, people hang out with others who are of approximately the same attractiveness? So if all your man friends think you are at least cute already and you have him a window of opportunity, wouldn't he jump through that window and onto you?

I think only in a few rare cases is it a mutual placement into this land. Few walk into it together and stay there. But it's nice when you do. But for most people, it's full of wonder on where your relationship -friends or could be more- stands. And what to do about it. I still have those issues and they haunt me EVERY day. (Clearly a lie. Nothing haunts me. And I don't analyze these things.)

"Do what to myself? Yeah, right If only I could."

I can't hear you...

I like my music loud. All day erryday. So when I have my iPod playing, I can almost guarantee that I can't hear anything you are saying. But like really. I play it so loud that I can't hear the band practicing when I pass their practice area. Who gives a shit about hearing? It's all about the vision anyways.

But so when anyone has their headphones in and are listening to whatever it is they are listening to, it probably means they DON'T want to listen to your voice. If they wanted to hear you speak, then they would take off their headphones obviously.

Like when I'm in the library and have my music blaring in my ear to drown out the sound of other languages and group discussions around me, that includes you: creepy man I have never met before. I am clearly focused on doing work and don't want you to bother me. Especially you, old dude. How are you even a student?! So naturally when I'm sippin on my gatorade and workin a physics problem, you should walk over to me from the table next to me to say to me that my gatorade is healthy. First off, it really isn't that healthy. Second, what the hell did you just say. Are you blind? Can't you see I'm busy and I've got my earbuds in? Third, WHO ARE YOU.
               I have never met you before, mister, and I would prefer to keep it that way. I had to pause my music and take out my earbuds just to hear what you were saying. After, of course, I had to almost shout "Excuse me?" since my hearing hadn't yet adjusted to the quieter library volume.  Just to hear you say my gatorade was a better choice than your coffee. No sir, actually a cup of coffee a day is good for you. Much like a glass of red wine (the darker the better it is for your heart no joke).
              Okay so you've said your stupid comment and my concentration goes back to homework and listening to Yo Yo Ma (the man is a genius don't hate). But I can see you staring at me from your table. You are looking over here like every 10 min for an hour and a half. I DON'T KNOW YOU YOU ARE CREEPY STOP THAT BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU LOOKING OVER HERE. All I want to do is get my prelab done and study anatomy. That's all. And I feel like you tried to talk to me but finally realized that I CAN'T HEAR YOU and I'm not looking over and checking in on you every second.
             I was overjoyed to see you pack your shit up. You kept walking back and forth to take calls or go pee or sharpen your pencils or other stupid things and would stare at me as you went past. I'm awfully observant and can see you creeping. But then as you are leaving, you walk over to say goodbye to me. Like we are just good ol' chums and can't wait to see each other again. NO. I did the half-assed smile like I'm being polite but I don't know you so leave me alone.

So please, people, when someone is clearly in the zone or just has their headphones in (library especially) leave them alone. I leave other people alone because if I don't want to be bothered, neither do they. Unless I'm actually friends with you then that's okay. But I will ignore anyone who tries to talk to me unless physical contact or direct eye contact has been made. Which is awkward. But not quite as awkward as being the only white girl left in the library. I think I'll leave now...

"Men put us up on pedestals so they can see up our skirts."

Shorten this, bitch.

I will never apologize for a post I write. It could be something really dumb I write about (which is pretty much everything) and waste a whole 5 minutes of your life, but I don't care. There are no warnings that "Oh this is random and a waste of time" or "this is really boring" or anything like that.  This whole blog is random so if you think I'm wasting your precious time on this planet then don't read it. Easy.

I don't believe that there should be all these abbreviations anymore.  The acronyms I'm okay with, sometimes.

The main reason that all these abbreviations and acronyms started was for texting. It was easier and faster to text when we can shorten all our words. We didn't have keyboards and had to use that pain in the ass T9 crap. WE HAVE KEYBOARDS NOW. There are touch screen or actually little buttons. Each with its own letter on it. Everyone texts so fast nowadays and move their fingers so quickly and texting takes so little time to actually do, I think the abbreviations can be dropped.

Like totes obvi. Cuz dont i look so adorbs wen i talk like this? this is like so perf.

No.
No no no.

I am an adult. I want to be taken seriously. Or at least not like I'm learning to speak English for the first time.

The worst part is when all these abbreviations make it into actually verbal conversations. This is when I can't stand the abbreviations or acronyms. I don't speak things like WTF or LMAO. I actually speak the words or express my emotion by actually laughing. So when people start abbreviating around me, I will call you on it and tell you to stop.  You want to have a conversation with me? But you can't take the extra second to actually use real words in the dictionary? No thanks.

Grow up around me please. Because I will judge you when speak like that.

"Nice get-up girl. Crack whore convention in town?"

Birthday Suit

This weekend should be interesting. I have no real expectations about what is going to happen or where I'll end up. Especially because I shall be the only roommate here this weekend.

What that really means is that I don't need to put on clothes!!!!!! 


I don't especially like wearing clothes. They are constrictive and expensive. Yes I do enjoy, on occasion, getting all dressed up and fancy but that's usually to go out. Clothes are nice for when you are out in public but mostly because they will keep you warm or dry or 'cause no one wants to see your nipples. Well I mean sometimes it's okay to go bra-less or commando but you gotta be discrete about it. Bet ya'll don't notice when I'm not wearing a bra. But staying in your own apartment? Woah oh oh. Totally different story.

I usually don't get dressed for a while after I shower.  Everything is just so much more comfortable in the nude.  That's why everyone likes to go skinny dipping and such. But not everyone likes streaking because then bodies are visible and not everyone likes their body but I think everyone should love their body (but I still like skinny dipping over streaking too). But anyways, it's just better to be without clothes. I tend to walk around the apartment in just undergarments.  My roommates can attest to this. So can their friends.  There isn't anything wrong with just wearing a bra and underwear around my living space. It's like I'm wearing a bikini. So get over it.  I highly recommend that everyone starts wearing less in their place of living.  Not just in your bedroom, but everywhere. Well maybe not when there are a lot of people around or like your brother or friends' mom. That can end in an awkward situation.

But if you aren't comfortable enough to walk around in bare minimum apparel, at least do it when you sleep. Go skinny dipping in a sea of blankets. Get wrapped up under the covers.

What I'm trying to say, is that we were born without fabric covering our bodies and going au naturale is fucking awesome. And I plan on being like this for the majority of this weekend. But don't get creepy like the random people who sit on the wall outside my window. I just really hope that can't see through my blinds.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, get naked.

"I'm still looking for a man who excites me as much as a baked potato."

Always remember socks

Yesterday I received a call from a dear friend of mine asking if I was free that night and if I wanted to see Elton John in concert. A chance to see, quite possibly the only gay knight?! And considering he is old 64 now, of course I accepted.  We were aware that it could rain lightly so we brought jackets, blankets, and umbrellas. Naturally I didn't seriously think about my shoe choice until we were on our way and it was raining.

We met up with everyone and put down our blankets on the (already) wet grass and when we took off shoes, as to not get our blankets even more wet/gross, I realized I was going to be barefoot the whole concert. This was an unpleasant thought and made me curse the skies above me loudly with outstretched arms.

It being as cold as it was, everyone huddled together really close under blankets to share body heat, similar to Luke and the Tauntaun but everyone was alive and no one was trying to kill us and we were on a planet inhabited by other humans. If you don't get that reference then fucking Google it. Because you should learn it. But because of our awkward lumpy shape, people were looking at us funny and even took a picture. We were being perfectly appropriate, unlike others around us. And no I'm not just talking about those guys next to us higher than a city in the clouds.

SLOW GRINDING TO ELTON JOHN -wait let me correct this- SIR ELTON JOHN IS ABSURD.

Sure it's cold. Sir, go ahead and hold your female accompaniment to share warmth. There is no need to grab her hips and pull her to your nether regions. Chick, we can see you and what you are doing. Stop moving just your ass up and down against him. You aren't even moving your upper body. And your face reveals how much fun you are actually having doing this. Which is none.  So when Rocketman is playing for 13 minutes and you are rubbing your butt on his groin, think about your life and what you are doing with it. Because clearly your male friend is mainly interested in your private square. Unless there is more than just that, then grow a pair (or just grab his) and tell him enough is enough. Especially because as soon as that old lady over there turns this way and sees you, she might have a heart attack and die and your lack of decency and assertiveness JUST KILLED HER.


So next time you are out in public and are wondering if the action you are doing/thinking about doing is appropriate or not, remember that there are always observant freaks who will judge you and maintain the awkward eye-contact when you check to see if you are being discrete.

Also always dress for the weather. Then you don't need to worry about sharing body heat. Or killing old women.

"I can't help you with your problems, I'm not a proctologist."

Like OMG! Sisters!

I'm SO excited for all the new sister pledges! I can't wait to be best friends for ever and ever and teaching you to dress slutty and whoring out our looks to get free alcohol and never ever need to learn to cook because we pay for a cook! Then we can all live together in a big pretty house where we have different rules placed on us compared to all the boys in the greek system because we have vaginas! YAY!

Clearly, I am not in a sorority. Nor do I have the desire to be in one. I never have. I have plenty of friends in the system and that's great for them. I just could never stand living with so many girls and having to wear dresses and skirts every time I went out. I love my denim way too much (and shaving is a pain).

The reason I write this now is because of all the new pledges running around campus with their new sisters.  Last night, as I rode my bike home from the gym, I ran into several herds of brightly colored and identically dressed females.  All were shouting/singing and making hand motions to which I can only attribute to being their greek letters.  And since recruitment is over, EVERY SORORITY GIRL is back on Facebook. In case we forgot about their presence in the digital world, they are all posting that they are back and putting up new pictures and my news feed is full of all this information.  The large influx of sorority related stuff inundating into my life is just too much for me to handle right now. It makes me want to walk around without make-up and in sweats looking overly nerdy. I feel like many other GDIs can relate at this current time. 

There is more to this mini-rant, but we shall save that for a rainy day (which according to www.thefuckingweather.com could be tomorrow).

I really like spaghetti and meatballs.

"Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social."

WARNING: explicit

So.

Here we are. The start of it all. My blogging virginity has now been taken. By you (since you are reading this?) or more awkwardly, by me (since I wrote this?) or by the website (for providing this?)? Too much thought into this now leaves me feeling exposed and used. Eh.

As this being my first post, I feel I should explain why I'm starting this.
         Quickie: Stole other friends' ideas.
         Long answer: I've been thinking about it for a while. There are weird little events that occur in my life that I feel others can relate to or at least be entertained by them. But there never seems to be a good place or time to suddenly break out a random story. And I'm sooo good at telling stories (sarcasm). So now I have a place to reveal the peculiar happenings and thoughts that make up my life.

I would like to warn you that this will most likely be the only post refraining from cursing. If you have a problem with inappropriate language then this is not the blog for you. I will attempt to keep it civil and under control, but I make no promises.

And you may be wondering where this title has come from. Sea Jellies and Jam? It's really just out of the blue. (Get it?! Like the ocean. Blue, ocean, sea jellies...) Well figure it out for yourself. I'm not that easy.

Not sure how to end these. But I really like my page-a-day calendar called "The Daily Bitch" so I think I'll just end with either the current day's humor or another favorite of mine (in case that day's sucks). I also realize this could be offensive or that only other females would appreciate them. If you do not like it, then don't read them. No one has a gun to your head.

"Faking all those orgasms should count for something."