My dog, the cat.

I think my dog is secretly a cat. No, she doesn't meow or hiss at people. She doesn't claw at thing or piss in a box inside. She has nine lives.

Know what she did last night? Got into one of my present that had 3 chocolate coins in it and ripped a whole in the netted bag and eat them and the aluminum coverings and the bag. Idiot. If she had eaten the money I had in that bag, oh boy would she be feeling some pain.

But that was just little. There are bigger incidents. I came home from school and my mom informed me about the activities of the night before. My parents had hosted a cocktail parties with some sweet nom for a couple other couples. Someone had made a bundt cake. A chocolate bundt cake. And this dumbass dog decided she wanted to try some. And not just a nibble. Unless you call half the cake a nibble. So yeah... Isn't chocolate lethal to dogs? Well all she did was puke her life away until 5 am with my mom taking care of her. Poor mom. Stupid dog.

This is not the first time that the idiot has done this. She does this every few years. The second year or so that we had her, my parents went to France and my grandparents watched us when we weren't in school. Someone forgot to contain the dog in the laundry room when we weren't home and she got into all sorts of things. She ate up my grandma's medicine. She tore through  a deck of cards. She devoured a box of brownies. A huge box of delicious chocolate brownies. All she did was throw up that night in her cage a lot. Well my very conservative Catholic grandma was using some inappropriate language. Which I found hilarious in my younger years.

But really. How the Hell is this canine not dead? I mean in no way am I wishing that she was gone, I'm just saying, she must be down to her 3rd or 4th life now. And this is so ridiculous.

"It's not the size that counts. It's what he does with the wallet."

On the eve of a baby being born.

So it's Christmas eve. We are not hosting anything at my house tonight just bringing some snacks and dishes over to relatives' homes. I've done my part in helping and have put in my tacky holiday earrings (bears holding french horns with Santa hats on). So here I am sitting around as the parents finish finding the gifts we must bring over. Once it's time, I'll help bring everything out to the car don't worry I'm not a bad kid like the boys in the family. I shovel the driveway too.
I expect that there will be something nonsensical or annoying or striking that will happen later tonight. Maybe around 11:30. Why? Because that's the middle of Christmas mass tonight. It's going to be packed with Chreasters (people who only go to Christmas and Easter masses) and many crying children. And we are going to have to fight to find a seat for my whole family. Because, although I have been lacking in my attendance to church, my family goes every week and is very involved with the parish. If you don't care enough to go normally, why go on these two days? That means you probably aren't very religious. You might be a celebrator of Santa but maybe not Saint Nick and Jesus and all. Which is totally okay. I guess. Just don't try to beat all the normal attendees to the church and take our seats. Please? Good.

God bless and be safe.


Eggnog rocks.

Kids are dumb

Speaking of trains (in the previous post), I was on one today. I was traveling by myself to meet up with some friends in the city. Knowing I was going to be on a train for a while just me, I brought my iPod to keep me company. And holy shit. There were 2 kids on the train that would not. shut. up. The whole ride into the city they were singing the 12 days of Christmas. That's a lot of singing by small beings who cannot sing anyways and they barely knew the words. Then there were even smaller humans on the main level of the train. Crying and screaming. I had to turn my music up so loud just to drown out the horrid noise of children could be eliminated.


The sounds they make can make me cringe. The space is so confined on a train and if you can't keep your thing under control, then put it to sleep during that time. Or give it a muzzle. Just fucking train it to not cry. Give it treats or something when it's quiet.

Same goes for airplanes. Everyone hates it when they find out there is a baby on the plane. Or a small child seated near them. They know then that the trip is going to be less enjoyable than it could be because the creature will be noisy and complaining and overall not silent.

As much as everyone might want to be kind and everything, we all just want to duct tape those stupid shits.

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today."

Yeah, they make that much.

Here is something that really just irks me. And I mean it's something that has bothered me before but as I was getting picked up from the train station I heard a comment on the radio that reminded me of my disapproval.
            Why do pro athletes get to make so much money?

Derrick Rose just signed a 5 year contract with the Bulls for over $94 million. WHAT THE HELL. I mean I get it, they bring in a lot of attention and thus advertisers and sponsors and whatnot. But really. Almost $20 million a year? To play basketball? Then in order to pay these people the price of tickets go up. Slowly, attending sporting events are going to be a privilege if they are not already. Only elite people will be able to afford to go watch their beloved teams play. I know that my family cannot afford decent seats or even crappy seats at different stadiums/arenas for all of us to go.

Crimeney, researchers finding cures for different diseases don't get paid nearly that much. And they help keep us healthy! The most they get to do is fight for a single award in their field that will give them lots of money. But with the amount of scientists doing work in each field, being recognized is highly non-probable. Does anyone know the name of the person or team of people who found the vaccine for small pox? No? Me neither. But I bet they weren't paid nearly enough. Especially considering the amount of vaccines given out so that the general public doesn't have an epidemic. If it was a music artist, each time the song was played they would get paid. Doesn't really work like that for creating a safe and healthy society.

Why aspire to do something meaningful when you can just be in shape and play a sport for a few years, make millions, and retire with a hot body?

"Going to hell when I die would be redundant."

2 blogs?!?

I haven't posted on here in a while. Thanks a lot finals. Way to rip a hole through my face and suck out my brain. Do you ever drink too much caffeine or something and then your eyes feel all crazy? Like sometimes my eyes feel like they are swelling up and are going to explode out of my eye sockets. I mean I'm pretty sure they won't but still, it's a cause for concern. Now I am home and I am sure that I will be bored of it soon. So expect more posts.

A lot of people who have blogs I like are on Tumblr. So I have made the executive decision that I would make a Tumblr account to make following these people easier. I will post on there occasionally but since it is mostly picture blogging, I will update it less than this one is my guess. Mostly it's just a way for me to link the 2 blogging worlds together. And I will always update that one when I post here in case someone just checks that one for updates. I don't know. Regardless its http://seajelliesandjam.tumblr.com and I know it looks real familiar and that my creativity is lacking but I don't give a damn. There are, however, some interesting people I follow on there that I recommend you follow too. Just go check it out.

I don't really have anything I want to say right now. I'm awfully tired. So when I am rejuvenated I have a few points I want to hit. Like people I physically could assault. God girls piss me off.

"Another day, another opportunity to bitch and moan."

HYPER NERDISM

This is how I feel right now:












I can already tell that I am going to be up for a while still. I have books and material from 3 different classes with me plus my laptop. I went to one review session tonight and it rocked my shit. Good thing that's my first exam. HA. I can't wait to be doing synthesis problems converting benzene to some bizarre form of cocaine. Then physics... it's not really that important right? It's all GNOMES. Those sneaky bastards. <--- They are links. Click them idiot. And anatomy, I can study that on my own time if you know what I mean. I wish I was your Vagus nerve so I could wander all over your body. Mmmm get it.
        So here I am nerding it up. In a fabulous library. By myself. No but really everyone forgets about this one since it normally closes at midnight and now there are very few people here. I COULD DO SO MANY FUN THINGS AND HAVE ADVENTURES! Or study. Are they not the same?!

Also I realized we are reaching the end of 2011. No I don't care to be like "Oh! What a year let me recap!" I'm more like: OH SHIT. I need to get a new page-a-day calendar! The daily bitch is almost over! And I mean the calendar. Not me. Fuck off. So we shall see how I survive and handle this issue. But really, fuck off.

"I think someone spiked my drink last night ... like all 20 of them."

Free shit.

First of all, what library closes at 5pm the weekend before finals? How do we not have libraries that stay open until at least 9pm? I mean sure it's the weekend but many libraries have extended hours now. Except the one that I chose. Great.

The most popular library just happens to be underground. I hate going there because it is a social library not a study one. During dead week and finals, it is open 24 hours. Which also means it is packed these 2 weeks. Which super sucks. The only good thing about it is that Jimmy Johns likes to show up. WITH FREE SANDWICHES. I mean they aren't full size sandwiches but they send out several employees with boxes of mini sandwiches to just hand out to students studying. I mean it's a great promotion idea. And I love free food. So when I'm there pretty late the next week, I better get some free snacks.

But really who doesn't like free stuff? I mean really. Who doesn't? Because they are an idiot. I don't care what it is. I pretty much always will take something that's free unless it will... well actually I don't even have a good example of me turning down anything free.
            After I stopped buying physical CDs I was at some festival or something that was handing out special CD openers. They were these sliding things that would cut through all that plastic and awkward tape on new CDs. I took 3. Did I ever use one? Maybe once.
            3 weeks ago one of my best friends had a friend visiting and we walked around town showing her around. We went into a candy store and they had free samples of chocolate covered cherries. I took one and ate it. I don't like cherries. It was free! How do you pass that up?!
            The other night I was studying in the union. I knew that I had to get up really early to harvest pig organs and that I needed a lot of sleep. It was like 10:30 but I decided if I didn't get a coffee I was going to pass out with my face on my note cards and would do something embarrassing like start drooling. Then my notes would get icky and I wouldn't be able to read them and would have to start over. Anyways I got the coffee. The barista and I started chatting about studying for finals and he asked if I wanted an extra shot of espresso in my coffee. I thought about it for a second about how much later I would stay up if I had that. And decided to accept his offer. In retrospect, I still support my decision. So I didn't fall asleep until 3 or 3:30 and had to get up at 7. Big deal. WE HAD A BONDING MOMENT. It would've been rude of me to decline this polite fellow's offer. Also he works tomorrow so maybe I'll stop by and see if I can get another free shot. Because I will definitely need it.

CRAM CRAM CRAM.

Blogging is what I use as my study break. Depending on how exhausted my noggin gets, I may have maybe posts during the next 5 days.

"Live today as though it is the last day of your vacation."

Virginia Tech

Today, there have been 2 fatal shootings at Virginia Tech. The shooter, at the time I am writing this, has not been caught. My heart goes out to everyone connected to the school. I pray that those there are safe, the law enforcement involved can make a swift arrest and find this man, and that no others are hurt before he can be stopped. It is so sad that the majority of this school's attention comes from the shootings that take place. I will never forget the massacre that happened there back in 2007. Going away to school, young adults should not have to worry about being shot unlocking their car or listening to a lecture or studying for finals. I can only hope that a situation like this never personally affects me or anyone dear in my life. Keep those at VTech in your thoughts and if you ever have suspicions about someone's mental state or if they could be a danger to others, do not hesitate to tell someone with authority. I know it's hard to do, but especially if they are dangerous -to themselves or others- you need to do something.

This post does not get a witty or bitchy ending. But it should end with compassion. Life is precious. Treat it as such.

All I want for Christmas is

I know it's just the start of the holiday season but while I'm thinking about this, I might as well share. And specifically I am going to talk about Christmas. I don't really know too much about other religiousness going on around now besides the Jewish people like dreidels and chocolate coins. And something about an oil lamp. I understand how terribly ignorant I am. But I was not raised in that religion and I don't study it so gimme a break.

Now I truly do enjoy the spirit of the season. Everyone seems to be sharing more and is usually in a better mood. There is more uplifting music and old movies on t.v. (specifically on ABCs 25 days of Christmas). Then the weather changes and the temperature drops and threats of a white Christmas begin. And I do love snow for usually 2 months. If there is snow on Christmas, I'm not opposed. And in addition to all that, there are the overly packed and extremely crowded malls.

That is the one thing I've come to dislike about this time of year. The obsession with buying the best present for someone or providing your child with the most expensive gift. There is no such thing as a bad kid on Christmas. It doesn't matter if Santa has a list of naughty and nice. A kid who has been a bully and jerk all year can just start crying to mommy and daddy and guess what, he will get the new MW3 regardless of the fact he is only 9. Isn't that for mature people? Like isn't that the rating? But our culture has become entirely too fixated on material goods and showing off who can get the most extravagant and luxurious gifts. You love someone? Only if you buy him a new car or her a diamond necklace. Think your kid is the bomb? Does she have 7 pairs of Nike Shocks? I guess you don't then.

There is just too much emphasis on gifts and especially Santa Claus. I mean the guy is great to wish Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night and have a big jolly belly and all. But the amount of pressure on every parent of every religion to provide and cave to the Santa Phenomenon is outright ludicrous. The amount of exposure the man gets from the media puts the thought in every kids' head that a man in red suit is sliding down a chimney and delivering the best presents ever. How do parents deal with this? To break the hopes and dreams and hearts of the dear children. Answer: they don't. They cave. I have plenty of friends who are not religious or are not Christian and they celebrate Christmas for the Santa factor. I think this is a little silly that our society has come to this. I mean I am not an overly religious person but I don't understand how little Saint Nick took over the world and has become to mean so much.
                 I get it that is has to do with the season of giving to show you care. But, honestly, I'd rather hang out around a fire with my friends than have them buy me things. Hell, I'm asking my parents for cheap scrubs as a gift. If you really appreciate someone, then you shouldn't be just buying something big for them once or twice a year. Get them something little that you know they like randomly. Like a Yoda marshmallow lollipop. A little surprise is always better than a big expected gift, in my opinion. That is why I always tell my friends not to get me anything and I don't get them anything. Just being able to be together at this time of year is enough for me. Also I'm a broke ass college kid. But instead, we are going to bake cookies together. And that sounds like the best kind of gift: the gift of friendship (sorry to lay that cheesy line on you. I'm simple and I like simple things like friendship).

And two other things that bother me a little is that there don't seem to be new Christmas music hits. Like most people just do their own renditions of classic holiday songs. And Justin Bieber doesn't count because he is a little woman in moon boots. The other thing is that they don't play nearly enough claymation movies. Those old movies are the shit! They are so boss it isn't funny and those are all I watched when I was little. I wish I could live my life in claymation for a day. Our mouths would look fucking hilarious.

Also: Santa baby, come hurry down the chimney tonight is a dirty dirty innuendo. Get it Eartha Kitt.

"God invented men because vibrators can't mow the lawn."

This is what you should look forward to.

There are certain classes I'm not sure why I really show up. I learn the material better on my own and the class doesn't take attendance. So the ways to entertain myself involve the interwebs. So since I'm so busy being a good student and going to class, there is no need for me to sit near the front. In fact, I sit in the very last row that has an actual table so the professor can't see me napping or on my laptop all the time. So my favorite thing to do on campus is to expose the parents and up and coming college kids the truth about college.

Since my class is in a large lecture hall, tour groups often come through the back to see what the classes are like. I like to make sure I have my laptop open. To something not my email and not class notes. Preferably Facebook, Twitter, some blog, or some random game site like deadwhale.com. Then I like to make sure that I'm on my phone. Maybe texting, maybe playing words with friends, probably checking my horoscope. Not that I believe that stuff, but sometimes it coincides with my life and I find it interesting. But the tour group just stands behind me as I pay minimal attention to the professor and do my own thing.

Another thing that is fun, but I recommend to do pretty much only when it is warm out, is to dress up and interrupt the tours outside. Last year I decided to bring two light sabers down to keep in my apartment. EXCELLENT CHOICE, I know. And one of my favorite friends had sent me a Luke and Leia shirt for my birthday. Another friend has a wookie shirt. When we were bored on a Friday in April, we knew what to do. We put on our Star Wars shirts, grabbed a light saber, and headed to campus. I played the theme song off my phone and kept it in my back pocket. We just ran through classes with multiple doors having epic battles. We ran through the union, even the area where kids normally sleep on couches. They had an awesome awakening. But when we were outside, we would relax so we weren't sprinting all over campus. Until we saw tour groups. Then we sprinted a battle through the middle. We disturbed a picnic. It was great.

The other way to leave a great impression on the new kids is to be in class hammered or obviously on the strugglebus. Nothing says college like showing up to class with a flask right? And it doesn't matter what school you're at, every university has those great students who sneak a beer or mimosa into lecture. Or wear you're drunk/hungover glasses with a huge bottle of water or other hydrating beverage and just collapse in the back of class. Nothing leaves a better impression with soon to be acceptable college alcoholics than getting away with sleeping in class. That way you can still tell your folks you go to class while still remaining a part of the drunken shenanigans.



                      WELCOME TO COLLEGE BETCH.
This image I provide you should prepare your most important organ for the years to come. Of course I'm talking about your liver.



"Who says being bitchy isn't fun?"

I want washboard abs again.

Talking about high school makes me think of lots of things; prom, dumb classes, favorite teachers, among other things. And how in shape I was. And by in shape I mean I had no definite waist or hips. Put me in a spandex suit and ignoring my chest and lack of a.. ahem... package, I looked just like a boy. But whatever I was fine with it for a while. I mean I eventually got a defined waist. But that's not what I'm getting at. I was built. But not in the gross female body builder ways. I had the sickest 6-pack of my life. Like visibly present (especially when someone takes a picture of me in a bikini laughing). I could benched 120 a few reps. Best shape of my life. When I think about how I want my body to look, it's like that. I mean with the feminine touches and all. So I use the ab circuits that I did preparing for soccer and want to get back to being able to do 100/200s like I did with good old Bobby. That's 100 push-ups and 200 sit-ups.

As I was in the gym tonight working out, I thought about how productive it would be to have a trainer. I mean if I'm seriously trying to get back into shape. Oh and just because someone is thin/slender/skinny/whatever does not mean they are in shape. So I want to get muscle back is what I'm saying. But I started to think about all the trainers/coaches I've had over time and remembered a conversation I've had with my brother before.
         I much rather prefer a male coach. Yes I understand there is a difference between how women and men should be coached and probably taught. Especially in athletics, the ways that the different genders work out affects their bodies different. Due to the whole differences in hormone levels and all. But I don't care if I'm supposed to be doing a high intensity workout and I just got my period. Suck it up. That's what a good coach would say. He would NOT accept that as a reason to have an easier day. I want a man to push me to my limit. I want him to force me to be better than I am. So that even when I think I'm getting tired, I keep going and can't wimp out. Women get too cheery about these things. Or just don't get serious and interact with others that well. I mean if it's just a couple friends going to the gym to work out together it's one thing. But to get into a serious workout, I don't think I could have a female trainer. Too chatty.

So fellas, if you feel like going to the gym and working out and doing weights and stuff with a chick, let me know. Side note, I got closer to touching my toes today!

"I'm the bitch my mother always wanted to be."

Super happy =)

So this is round 2. I thought everything I had typed had saved. Turns out it didn't. So I'll just retype it. And it still doesn't affect my mood. But that's mostly how the girl sitting next to me keeps saying "awk" and then is about to start crying because the pituitary gland looks like testicles in some drawing. Oh God...

So this is going to be happy, short and sweet. Weird, I know. I never do posts like these. I'm just having such a fucking fabulous day.

I woke and got myself going. I had to go meet with the lab tech for the research project I joined for next semester. Me and another undergrad were meeting to get some basic training and meet the current pigs in the study: Cutlet, Meatball, Bacon, Sausage, and Porkchop. They get sacrificed next Friday. But I'm so excited to get started on this work and I like all the people that I've met with so far. Then I went back to my apartment and had the best damn pumpkin bread ever courtesy of my mother. You want some? Too bad. I don't share. Sucks to suck, huh?  But so then I looked out my window and saw IT'S SNOWING! I LOVE IT! I mean I sawed down our family Christmas tree the day after Thanksgiving and now with this snow, it's just really putting me in the holiday spirit. And I can just tell that the rest of the day is going to go well too because of the plans I have.

I'm just in a really great mood that I feel like I could go around kissing everyone. So look out world: Kissing Kate is on the loose.

"Note to self: never fart in a tanning bed."

We rely on technology too much.

A few days ago, I busted my iPhone. It was still functioning for the most part but no longer had the speaker working for me to hear calls unless it was on "speaker" or "headphone" mode. Oh and it would no longer accept a charge. So it died. This all happened at my parents' house and then I had to return to school. Oh boy was the traffic back a bitch. And I was going to find an alternate route but then realized I had no GPS. Mine was on my phone. I shook it off and was like Oh duh maps! Unfortunately I only had a Michigan map in my car and I was not going through said state.

However, what I want to say is that I realized just how dependent on technology we have become. Don't get me wrong; I love indoor plumbing and central air/heating and freezers and cars. But as I was stuck in traffic trying to see if I could use my map at all, I looked around at the cars around me and saw everyone on a phone, watching a movie, or their GPS out. And I understand some people need a gadget directing them. My father needs one (and no seriously he does. Without one he would drive around aimlessly on his "shortcut" for hours before admitting he's lost. Men). But maps are useful too.

How would we survive without the internet? What would we do without laptops? Or xbox? How could we remain calm without vibrating heated massaging recliners? Or heated blankets? Or cell phones???
     And it isn't just the young generations that are adapting so quickly to the new gadgets and technology that is constantly being revealed. Most people who are younger than the retiring age (which is getting older and older) are getting used to the normality of all these advances. Hell, my mom is now able to text up a storm. There are days out playing MW3 and acting like the dumbass teenagers shouting at the 10 year old who is playing with them.

I know people who tell right and left still with their pointer fingers and thumbs. And others who only use digital clocks to tell the time because analog is confusing. I'm sure I know people who if you took away their phone or internet for 2 days, wouldn't know what to do. Especially this young generation.

And I feel bad for these kids. When I was little, I was only allowed an hour on the computer and only when it was raining out. I used to literally be kicked out of the house until dinner time if it was nice outside. If I came in, with the exception to use the bathroom or get something to eat/drink, I would get in trouble! We were outside all the time or inside reading. Gasp! Reading! Now the kids are playing their video games or watching tv. When they go outside, it's to mostly play sports I feel like. And that isn't bad. But where are the kids turning the playground into a pirate ship with their own original characters? No Jack Sparrow. I know there are exceptions to this but it just seems that everyone in double digits has a cell phone, facebook, and some sort of gaming system. It just makes me sad. That it seems the younger generations just won't have the same experience and be so reliant on technology.

Hey. At least I don't need to worry about my phone going off in class.

"Mistakes will be made. You will be blamed."

So this is Christmas...

I get so annoyed with commercialism sometimes. Before Halloween I was in a Target or Walmart and guess what I saw. Fucking Santa. Well I mean he wasn't doing the nasty but he was there nonetheless. It was at least 2 months until Christmas. Also expect a rant around that time too. I have many thoughts on this season and what it has become. But so all of the Christmas decorations started to make their appearances. And once one store starts, they all start. Ornaments started showing up in Kohls. Reindeer in Walgreens. Easily became an eyesore but I could adjust. And yes I adjusted quickly mostly due to the fact I had no car to go to such places. But then the worst happened!!!!!!!!

They started playing the music. Now don't get me wrong, I love Christmas music. But everything has appropriate times. You wouldn't want to hear the Monster Mash song on Valentine's Day would you? Unless you happen to be a large hairy half-man-half-beast thing or other such creature. But before Thanksgiving? It's still autumn! There are still pumpkins out! Are there pumpkins out for the celebration of Christmas? I DON'T THINK SO. So why are there radio stations playing this holiday music nonstop before the birds have been caught, skinned, cleaned, cooked, and eaten?

Now it is after Turkey Day. The day after, my family usually goes and cuts down our tree. The wonderful pine smell and knowing that Thanksgiving is over and the temperature dropping all start to come together to bring everyone in the holiday spirit. That's when it becomes okay to start playing Christmas music. Maybe throw in some other genres for a bit so you don't go overboard, but I encourage breaking out some Winter Wonderland or All I Want For Christmas. Hell, get the Rat Pack and Eartha Kitt going. If you don't know them, you suck.

There is just appropriate timing. Neither radios nor retail corporations seem to understand that. Someone should poke the people in charge of each with candy canes that have just been sucked on on one side so it becomes that awfully sharp point. Teach them a thing or two about selling us that stripped sugar 2 months in advance.

"Every time I find Mr. Right, my husband scares him away."

What are you thankful for?

So I realize it has been a really long time since I have posted anything. I apologize to my (limited) audience. My life has been relatively boring and boring to the point I don't really have anything to rant about. Or if I do have a rant, I don't want the possibility of the involved individual reading it (yes I'm talking just about you). If you think of something that would set me off or I would have an interesting take on, feel free to let me know and I'll jump on it, jump on it.


This little ditty will be just that, a tiny ditty. Unless, of course, I ramble onto another subject. Which is more than likely.


So the holiday season has begun. The first holiday thing I should address is Thanksgiving. Just that. The actually holiday. What does it mean? Why do we celebrate it? What has it become?  Well I can tell you right damn now what it has become. It's about watching football and preparing for the day after.  Families and friends get together to organize games to toss around the ole pigskin. They gather in front of the tv to watch the lions and the dolphins play. The men (for the most part) have taken over the holiday with the sport. But the women, oh goodness, the women. Most ladies like to shop. Most everyone likes deals (preview?) on their purchases. Oh wait is there a day just for getting up and going shopping and getting reduced prices on many things?! Black Friday?? Oh and lots of women look forward to hitting the mall then? Between the football and people staying up late getting ready to go literally fight people- people got pepper sprayed at Walmart again-  to get special electronics many people overlook what Thanksgiving is really all about. 


The nice way to think of Thanksgiving is that you are reminded to think about what you are grateful for in this life. The 99% can be thankful they have clothes to wear or money to buy materials to make signs or food to put in their tummies or that they can walk to get an aspirin.  Most people are thankful for the people in their life. That's how I am. I am so blessed to have the people in my life who have consistently been there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or laughing my ass off. We are also blessed for the opportunities in our lives (Wow this is starting to sound like an uplifting entry. Just give it a minute). Because when you think about it, not a lot of people get the same opportunities as people who have internet to read this. You know who else didn't have internet? Native Americans.


So Thanksgiving is based on a friend feast shared between pilgrims and native Americans. I'm actually not sure if the 'n' is always supposed to be capitalized even. Honestly, I couldn't give a damn. Not because I am unable to, but because I just don't want to. Anyways... So the picture we idiots are delivered is that the pilgrims landed in the new world. They ran into Indians and they had a few scuffles. But soon after (Pocahontas and John Smith --what a white name-- got it on), the two cultures became friends and shared farming and hunting information. And lived happily ever after. And if you know anything about me, you know happily ever after is a joke. What really happened? There were bloody battles between the two since the whites were in the mindset that they were obviously superior. They had better weaponry and religion, what more could be needed? Let's say, just for the Hell of it, that there was a delicious dinner shared. Well aren't us whiteys great friends. You teach us to farm and here we come to stab you in the back with disease. That's right. We are going to wipe out your population with diseases you've never had to encounter before. Oh and while we are at it, now that we have the hang of things, let's force you further inland and we will just take all your lands off your hands. What do you say about that? Thanks for the land, stupid.
         So really, all this make believe dinner is is a prelude to killing your new "friend" and looting their property. But hey, it's not like the white man knows any other way to accomplish things right?


"I tried to get rid of my headache but he came back."

How to get extra time to take an exam

So I'm listening to some of my lectures for class as I am studying for an exam this week. And my professor mentioned something that triggered a rant. She said something about if you need extra time to take the exam, you need to remind her before each exam for her to set it up.

                             WOAH NOW.

I have experienced something like this before in my time in college. Last year, I woke up in the early hours of the morning on the day of a chemistry exam and ran to the bathroom where I instantly became sick. I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom throwing up. Not sure what was causing my illness -- food poisoning, 24 flu, maybe even stress-- I immediately sent an email to my professor that I was sick. I didn't want her to think I was just skipping out and I was prepared/wanted to take my exam and get it over with.  She just told me to keep her posted.
      Mid-afternoon I was feeling better but still wasn't sure what had gotten me sick. So I sent her an email explaining that. Also that I didn't know if it was a good idea for me to be in a crowded lecture hall taking the exam with a couple hundred other kids. Like what if I needed to go run to the bathroom in the middle of the exam to puke my brains out? Or what if what I had wasn't just from eating bad meat or the 24 hour bug? What if I infected the entire class? I didn't want to be worrying about that while I was focusing on organic chemistry.  So she said that there would be a small group of kids in a separate room that she would add me to. I was grateful and was at the room early to find 6 other kids there. I recognized one from my lab. She liked to run her mouth about how she has ADD and this and that. Real annoying bimbo. But so as the time approached to start the exam, the proctor told us each how much time we had to take the exam.  Apparently being ill gives you can extra 20 minutes to take an exam. And if you have ADD. or something like that, you can be awarded up to an extra hour.

                       SERIOUSLY?!?

How on Earth is that fair to anyone? If you have really bad ADD. you are probably on some sort of medication to help you. And there are plenty of people who are borderline and don't have meds and they do just damn fine. Isn't college supposed to help you get ready for the real world too? Are you going to go up to your boss and be like "Hey so I have this learning disability so I need you to give me a couple extra days to finish this. Okay thanks." Yeah right. You're gonna get fired on the spot. So suck it and and figure out to how to accommodate this. Most of us have. We find our weaknesses and learn to work around them. Hell, otherwise we all would say we have ADD or ADHD or something like that. Who doesn't want extra time for an exam?

Also, some bitch chose the stall right next to me again. I chose the last one. There were 2 perfectly good stalls to chose from beside the one you picked idiot.

"Who lit the fuse on your tampon?"

Beware of bundling

Let me preface this with regards to the last post. I do not dislike everyone in the Greek system. I have plenty of friends who are in houses and to each their own, right? I just believe the institution of the Greek system is flawed. I mean for Pete's sake, what service do they actually do for their philanthropies? Don't they just have a special function and then donate money somewhere? Do they ever go do physical work? Regardless, I'm not hating on all the people in it. Just they way it is run. Don't mistake the two.

Now, I understand this is a lot of blogging in a small concentration. But apparently my fingers are eager to be put to work. As in typing. Fool. So here is yet another post for reading material.

It's freezing out. Almost quite literally. I know it was down to 32 degrees over night and the high here today is something like 42 degrees. Which I would describe as quite chilly. But my favorite thing about this time of year, as the transition from 60 degree sunny days go to the frigid 20 degree snowy days, is watching the changing of outfits people wear. It is always simple to tell who is not from the area. Because once it hits 50 outside, they start breaking out heavier coats. Not like a fleece jacket, like a COAT.
      Bro, you don't want to be doing that yet. If you are going to start wearing your winter coat now, then what are you going to do when it is going to be 3 degrees out with windchill? Unless you got a real slim winter coat to hide under that poofy one, you are going to freeze your dick off. And I know people who had that happen. Well his dick didn't really fall off he just was driving that struggle bus all winter.
      That's why I have a rule about when I can start wearing winter coats and things. I don't put one on until it is under 40 degrees. That way my body can properly adapt to the change in temperature in an appropriate gradient-like manner. So I don't randomly realize I have no way to dress any warmer when it drops 20 degrees more except carry around my own heater. The key is layers people. Like you international and southern kids. Yeah especially you warm state people. My gramma turns on her heat when it drops to 50 and she's from Florida. I know how you guys work. But so wear a t-shirt with a hoodie or warm cardigan and then a fleece jacket on top. Maybe make it a long sleeve t-shirt if you are really that cold. Go ahead and have a hat on hand or a cute scarf. But save the really heavy stuff for when the temperature drops like a stripper on a pole. Fast, but not terribly unexpected.

"For one person, you're a whole lot of ugly."

Greek-be-gone!

CAUTION: If you are in the Greek system, this might NOT be for you. This will be offensive. No apologizes. Also this is extremely long (that's what he said). So set aside some time.
           I come from a long line of GDIs on my mother's side. She made shirts proclaiming it. Dad's side doesn't count. Grandma was a Chi-O like that's a lot to brag about (My apologize Nonna).

The Greek system is so completely and entirely flawed. Don't even pretend that it isn't sexist or have superiority complexes attached to it. And I understand it is different at every school, some don't have houses or they have rules about how big the houses can be and shit like that. But it doesn't matter. Frats are always the one having the parties because they are the ones allowed to have alcohol. At least here, sororities must be dry houses. Regardless of if the girls in it are of age or not, not booze aloud in the house. So what must these poor girls do? They dress is skyscraper heels and booty hugging skirts and dresses. Pull them boobies up and push those tits together for maximum cleavage. If you can wear less clothes, well I hear it's recommended. Especially if you are single. Especially if you want a lot to drink. Especially if you're a slut. So essentially these "sisters" have to whore out their bodies in order to get drinks. Since the system favors men and their ability to  manipulate women, they obviously deserve greater privileges. Like being allowed to have alcohol in their houses. In fact, I do believe that they have a special fund just for alcohol for their parties. Like it comes out of their dues that they owe at the beginning of the year or semester or whatever. So they prepare to get bitches drunk and get some action. Unless you're in one of the fucking weird houses. Or you're just a creepy weirdo. But I can see you still getting laid because you'll just stay on the prowl for those blackout girls. Or the slutty looking ones. You know that show Fashion Police? You know when they play the game Celebrity or Streetwalker? It's like that but Sorority girl or Streetwalker? Wait who are we kidding. They dress the same when they go out at night to their functions.

Besides the whole whoring yourself (thanks for the inspiration Tooth Fairy), the girls are NOT allowed to let boys spend the night. At least the sororities that I know girls in don't let boys spend the night. Anywhere in the house. Some even have rules that they can't stay past like 10 pm unless they are on the main floor. So let's say you're a sorostitute sorority girl and your boyfriend goes to a different school. He wants to come visit you because he loves you or some shit like that. Well now. Isn't that quite the predicament. Where shall he stay?? Does he know anyone else at your school?? No? Oh well that blows doesn't it. But bitch if you ain't talked to me and my roommates in over a year do not think we will be putting him and you up for the weekend. So don't bother asking again if we have room for you. Yes we have room. We just don't like you. So shut up. But good luck finding a place to hide your man toy.

I heard this terrible radio commercial the other day. Made me want to gag. Something about how everyone should rush and join the system because some high percentage of Congress was Greek in college. Oh yeah? That's great. Explains why our country is being run so fabulously. Glad to know we have people in our government who can make reasonable decisions regarding the lives of this vast super world police. What with all those sex scandals and secretly gay Congressmen. Wait all those men were in frats? Wow that makes so much sense now...       Well what about those of us who didn't buy our friends and get forced to become friends with 70 people only after basically stalking them to learn everything about them? Sorry, I can just make friends on my own.  Regardless, imagine if everyone did decide to rush. HA. Like those superficial bitches would let half of us in.
                   And yes we all know you are superficial. Don't try to deny it. During rush week I know that only the most attractive girls get chosen to meet the potential pledges. If you aren't beautiful enough, you don't get asked to participate. You get excused from participating. That gives the impression that everyone in that house is super gorgeous so if you get a bid, then you must be super gorgeous too. And I know frats that require the guys to workout a certain amount per week. That way they can be as fit as they can be so they don't turn flabby. Only the hottest allowed in this house, huh?
      Because everyone is always working on the perfect beach body and wearing those skanky ass clothes to make them look uber sexy, of course they are the best, right? How could they not be? I mean there is no way to be on top unless you are in the Greek system, right? I've had frat boys straight up end a conversation with me because they found out I was GDI. In case you don't know what that means, it stands for God Damn Independent. How fucking rude is that? I'm sorry. I apparently am not worthy of your attention for a freaking conversation, sire. Please, I am just a plain peasant who cannot imagine to compare to a girl in a sorority. And not every girl should be assumed to be in a sorority. For example:
              DG's TRY ASKING THE NAVY IF THEY WERE IN DELTA GAMMA AND SEE WHAT THAT BEEFY DUDE REPLIES (hopefully with his fist).

The Greek system will (literally) beat your ass (hazing) and then soak you and your liver in alcohol on repeat. And then oppress you and keep you without power because once women start to stand up for themselves they become dangerous and no white man ever supported a strong intelligent woman. Like In My Big Fat Greek Wedding (Greekness forgiven) the mom says something like: The man may be the head but the wife is the neck and can turn the head anyway she wants. So I prefer to be my own person, to be independent, and do what I want when I want. I don't need someone telling me what I should wear and how I should act. I left home for a reason.

Besides. Why would I ever want to live in a house full of girls? Like 60 girls. So catty and gossipy and lyke omg do I need to lose weight? My thighs are looking so fat. I weight like 130 pounds this is so gross. Do you think he really likes me? Oh my gawd he's so cute I hope he likes me.  Seriously. I might vomit I cannot handle that in the slightest. 

But seriously. GDI is the way to be clearly.

"A woman's place is in your face. Deal with it."

I overanalyze stupid things.

Have you ever thought about where different phrases come from? Or actually just thought about them and what the heck do they actually mean?
     Like "Cool as a cucumber." That's obvious. Cucumbers are kept in the fridge so obviously they should be pretty chill. And since being "cool" or "chill" has become more than just a description of temperature, it sort of makes sense. It just transfers from temperature readings to how awesome or relaxed a person is. Which should normally be a compliment. I mean what if it only stood for describing the lack of warmth? In the middle of winter people would go around describing themselves like cucumbers then. Like out on the mountain slopes after an embarrassing wipe out when they thought they could handle going down the trick park and a huge jump and realized partway through they can't handle the last huge jump but they are going too fast to stop and so you just brace yourself as you get massive air but aren't prepared and you hit the ground and skis fly off their feet and you get a lot of snow down your pants and in your sleeves and in your face as you roll downhill and you just sit there dumbfounded waiting for daddy to come help you walk back up the hill to find your skis and your poles... Yeah then you'd be really "cool as a cucumber." I'll tell you right now, you'll be as chill as a tomato (let's make that one happen).

But really what is it with all these food expressions making it into conversation? My boss at home used to say "Oh honey. I am fresh like lettuce." Well i hope to God the lettuce is fresh if you are eating it. Floppy lettuce just ain't no good, Cisco. But then there are those fresh to death. So I guess they are also lettuce to death. Mmmm. Crunchy.

And then there is "cool beans." Think about it. Who the Hell wants cold beans? There ain't nothing great about cool beans. You put them in a pot of water and heat them up. You reheat them in the microwave. You cook them and eat them warm or hot. You don't see people going around putting their beans in the freezer to cool them off and then nomming on that. It's just not normal. But the expression is supposed to be a good thing, right? Like: "Hey we're going to the movies tonight." "Cool beans. I'll see you there."  Isn't that a good thing? It's not like unnamed person 2 is upset to be going to the movies. But I'd be pretty damn upset if I was brought cool beans with my meal (and then I'd blog about the ungrateful worthless being who can't even bring me warm beans with my entree. Sorry mom). So I'm not sure about that expression. And I don't care to look it up. So don't tell me to because I will say something rude back.

I just don't understand how all these vegetables are being compared to humans. Are we really nothing more than a refrigerated bunch of grapes?

"The road to hell is paved with chocolate donuts."

HA! Hitched at 20.

So there are some things that I think should never happen. Specifically, I mean marriage. And very specifically I mean marriage before the legal age of drinking. I mean come on people. Don't you want to be able to drink that sweet (or actually probably more dry and bitter-ish) champagne once you tie the damn knot? Don't you want to be able to relax with a glass of wine after the long day? Or when you go on a honeymoon (you probably can't afford since you aren't in the real world yet) and chill on a beach or cruise or mountain or something and being to have a drink with your darling precious newly beloved soul mate for life and forever more? Gag me. But really if you can't legally drink once you're married (and busy becoming a baby factory. Someone smother me if that ever becomes me) and coming home to a nagging wife or disrespectful husband, why not just wait? You know you're gonna need a drink.

But seriously people, why do you think getting hitched before you're 21 is a good idea. Didn't some study somewhere important show that brains are NOT fully developed until 22 or something? Do you really think that making one of the biggest decisions of your life before then is wise?

I know a few people who got married at 20. Well guess what. They ain't married anymore!! And I get that in smaller rural towns it's common and the norm for people to get married young. Whatever. I still stand by what I said but I guess with the production of moonshine there, it doesn't matter the age. They gonna drink anyways. Or you got knocked up and got married to smooth over the fact you had pre-marital sex. WOAH. Imagine that. I think that's not the most intelligent response to the situation either. Marriage does not solve your problems. I mean you could have the wedding of your dreams and then the divorce of your nightmares just months/years/weeks later (cough cough Kim K cough cough).

Let me just clarify and say being engaged before 21 is fine. That's just phase 2 of a relationship. It's not legally binding and the wedding may never happen. Look at Pam and Roy (Office reference). They were engaged for years and never got married. Thank God too because I fucking love Jim and Pam. Like you have no idea. Ah but I digress. Engagement prior to 21 years of age is fine with me. Because you can always call it off when your brain is done developing. Or once you reach that stage and know it is truly right.

But I mean really... The divorce rate is something like 50% isn't it? So why not just wait? So you can get smashed at your reception when your stupid cousin starts hitting on every guy there. She always makes a fool of herself now, doesn't she.



Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. Girl look at that body. I, I got tentacles! Get it Sharktopus.

"You're only young once but you can be immature forever."

I pee in peace

I understand that it's different for men and women when they go to the bathroom. First, the ladies' room has awesome couches. We have little lounges in our bathrooms. Well not all of them, but any decent ones have a room with lots of mirrors and couches. This is why we go to the bathroom together. We can relax away from the other people on a comfy la-z-boy. We also go in pairs and can make friends in the bathroom. Girls can get talking with each other in the bathroom and it isn't weird.
      From what I understand about boys, it's all business. Go in alone, take care of what you need, ignore everyone else, and get out. Just imagine being at the urinal and the guy next to you leaves over and goes "Dude I love your shirt. Where did you get it?" Haha yeah. Fucking weirdo.


But I KNOW that everyone feels the same way about this. No one wants someone to choose the stall next to them once you've already claimed yours. When there is only 2 stalls, you just suck it up. But when there are at least 3 stalls, it's annoying for this person to choose the middle stall or one too close to you.  I walked into a bathroom on campus the other day that had 7 stalls in it. The bathroom was empty but there was a girl who was walking in behind me (I held the door open behind me. I'm still courteous). Knowing all this, I chose a stall that was on the end. This dumb bitch chose the stall right next to me. Really? Really? Dumb slut. So I was like "Well, this is annoying. Crimeney." SHE HAD THE WHOLE REST OF THE BATHROOM TO CHOOSE FROM. Get away go to the other side. Geez. And then she was digging around in her backpack or something the whole time. So I got the Hell out of there. I ain't dealing with her trying to find a tampon.

Really. It's just politeness to get the Hell away from me. I just want to piss in peace.

"I wish I could channel all my sexual energies into sex."

Guns and Stalkers and Burn Notice

So in class the other day we were watching an old demonstrative movie about different firearms. It was this guy with a great pedophile mustache and bad 70/80s porno music. He was just shooting different kinds of bullets from different caliber weapons and showing the impact on such things as jugs of water, targets, and beat-up piece of shit cars. Whenever he was using something of a high caliber and super lethal ammo, he would say something like "This is going to make a splash!" Then he would shoot the jug of water and it would just explode. And after he let loose with a Tommy Gun he just sighed really loudly and went " Ahhhhhh." To keep with the theme of the porno music, naturally.

But this got me in the mood to go shoot guns again. I mean I've only ever gone once. I went with my dad. And thinking about that time made me laugh because my mom is silly.

So every semester we spend a couple lectures on explosives and firearms. Which I love. I love things that go bang. Like with fire. But I quickly was alerted to the fact that I was one of 10% of the class that did not own or had not fired a gun. Airsoft and BB guns do NOT count. So I had told my dad last year that I wanted to go to a range and shoot some. It was over the holidays when I first brought this up and my mom was there but she apparently blocked that memory out. I mentioned it a few more times with my dad and we were going to try to go together when I was home in March. Fast forward a few months and it was tax season. My dad was helping me out with (and by helping me out I mean doing) my taxes and I had to call home to talk to him about it.
         My mom answered and when I asked for my dad she got all upset saying "What you don't want to talk to me? Fine." So I talk with my dad and then bring up going to the range. He was waiting on his FOID card to come. Then he lets this one out: "Your mom thinks you have a stalker." I was so taken aback by this. I had no idea how she came up with that. I reassured my dad that I did not and that everything was fine.
         Apparently this is how my mom's logic went: My daughter wants to go fire guns. She wants to learn how to properly handle them. That must means she is going to go buy a handgun. If she has a gun, she must need a reason to use it. Why? Because someone is stalking her and she is going to pump him full of lead.

   REALLY?!?!?! Instead of being like "Oh hey parents. There is this really creepy guy who is following me around and won't stop, what should I do?" she assumes that I would keep that a secret and just try to blow the guy away. Good one.

So moral of this story is that I inherited a lot of the way I think from my mom. So when you can't understand the random-ass jumps or lack of transitions when I talk, remember I don't have a stalker. I just like to shoot things.

"Excuse me, but I have reputations to destroy."

Grin and bear it bitch

Hi. Hello. Um HEY. Yeah. You know me. And I know you. YES I'M LOOKING AT YOU TOO. We've made eye contact. Yes it's just walking past each other. But still. You can acknowledge my existence. I know you know who I am. You "Liked" my status on Facebook TODAY. So yeah, I'm going to smile at you. We don't need to have a goddamn conversation. We aren't that good of friends. We can still be polite. Oh. Oh wait. No smile in return? No sort of salutation? You can't even pretend that you didn't see me. There are only 3 people in the hallway right now. There is no way that you didn't see the only other moving creatures in the vicinity. You can't even fake that you are texting someone? Just flat out ignore me? Okay. Cool.

Why? Why bother doing that? I mean I know I'm awkward as shit but I'm still nice. I smile at everyone I recognize and like or have a decent amount of respect for. How do you not interact in the slightest? Just making us polite people look like fucking fools for trying to acknowledge your presence even if it is only for half a second. Crimeney. And you think you're professional and shit.

Just put on a god damn smile. A smirk or grin does the trick. Even a fucking head nod. Christ.

"When in doubt, blame it on a man."

You have what?!?!

One of my good girl friends from home and I have a love of making lists together. We have a "Words List" of unpleasant words to say or hear. Some are phrases and others have motions attached to them. These are the ones I find most entertaining.

Another list we have is my list of skills. These are not the typical skills one would imagine. One of my talents is "Not sharing." And I am really good at that one. Especially (and mostly) when it involves foods and beverages. And especially if it's something I've purchased recently for myself. I bought it for myself, not for you to enjoy in front of me. Or behind my back for that matter.

The best way to avoid sharing food/drink with others is to feign a disease. I know it isn't appropriate to choose serious diseases as a joke, but it gets the job done. Take last night as an example. I had a Den Pop and was enjoying it thoroughly. Some guy was talking to me and said how delicious it looked and snatched the straw and had himself a gulp. I gasped and looked up at him with a horrified expression. With the straightest face I could, I quickly explained "I have herpes..."  This guy freaked out. He backed away and once I realized how concerned he was, I laughed and said I was just messing with him. But he continued to fake vomit all over the place. Like if I actually had any contagious nonsense that was going to do the trick. Vomiting the already ingested germs, which are all up in yo mouth, is  going to be real effective bro. Let me repeat this: I do NOT have herpes. Or any such disease.

I just really dislike sharing and really enjoy the awkward reactions of people who think they are contracting a new illness. Because they look like sick dumbfounded morons.

"Statistically speaking, you can get away with murder."

Just 30 more minutes

I think the Snooze button is one of the worst inventions in the world.

There is not a single morning that my alarm goes off that I don't hit snooze at least once. And somehow I learned about this terrible feature of my snooze button. If you tap it once, it adds 10 minutes.  If you double tap it, it adds 20 minutes.  If you triple tap it really fast, it adds 30 minutes. And so on and so forth. HOW TERRIBLE IS THAT? So now my sleepy dumbass self just slaps the button several times and oh wait is it not going to try to wake me up for another 40 minutes? Don't I have class in 25 minutes? Greaaaaaaaat.

Part of the reason I almost always snooze at least once is because of the radio. My alarm is the radio because those damn beeps are just too annoying that I turn off my alarm instead of snoozing. Which is obviously worse. I like the surprise of seeing what awesome song is going to wake me. Except Round One rarely starts off with an awesome song. Hell no am I starting my day off listening to Taylor Swift or songs like Marry Me or Moves like Jagger or whatever the shiz that song is. Seriously? Moves like Mick Jagger? Have you seen the man recently? The only moves he's going to have soon are in and out of a wheelchair. Yeah baby that's hot...
        But anyways, since the radio plays stupid songs I am forced to give it a second chance by snoozing and hope that something better (preferably some old-school 90s) wakes me up. Then I know my day will be better. For example, I went through 3 snooze shifts today passing over Bruno Mars/Grenade, Train/Marry Me, and something other stupid. I decided to wake up with Lady Gaga. You know like, with her. Yeah you know what I mean. Yeah baby that is hot (I wish. That shit would be crazy).

Waking up would be so much easier if I had some crazy iPod station that I could just pick some great playlist to wake me up. But from across the room. I would start my day with awkward dancing as I'm laying in bed. What better way to begin a new day than with awkward jerking motions while you lie horizontally?

"Who put hot sauce on your tampon today, little miss snippy?"

I'm too wet for this

I blame my mom 100% for this issue of mine. I know I'm weird. You don't need to remind me of that. And this is just another weird random quirk of things about me that I cannot stand.

As a tiny child, my hair was decently long. It was usually at my shoulders or longer. And my mom loved turtlenecks. On me. When I would get out of the shower I would grab my towel and go to my room and start drying off. But I was still at a young age where my mother would dress me. And she would come in and pull a turtleneck onto me. With my hair still wet. SO BAD.

Cold, wet hair. Stuck to my body. Running down my neck. No matter how hard I tried, I could never ever get my hair dry enough fast enough before my mom swooped in for the kill. And I couldn't get my hair to get out of my shirt quick enough. It gave me the willies. And still does.

So now I have to be completely dry after I get out of a shower, pool, lake, fountain, etc. before I can attempt to put on clothes without chills running up and down my spine. Even my ankles have to be dry or putting on pants bothers me. This will always be a problem for me and I know that there is no way for me to change it. Way to go mom. Scarring your only daughter for life. All I can say is thank God I chopped my hair so it's not an issue anymore. See mom? Look at what you make me do.

"Put some chocolate on it and I might consider it."

Put down your hand

There's that one kid, or several annoying bastards, in every class. Doesn't matter the size of the class, it could be a small 30 person class or huge 400 person lecture. But this kid has to always raise their hand and ask a dumbass question. Even worse is when someone raises their hand to point out a "mistake" that is not actually a mistake.

Today in physics recitation the TA was showing how to do a problem and explained how the mass is irrelevant because it will cancel in the equation. He finished explaining how to work the problem in two different ways when this dumb girl with disgusting hair raised her hand.
                 -->Side note: This girl is in many of my classes. Her hair is long and knotty. When I say long, I mean it is down past her ass. And she is not physically fit. And once in lecture she was sitting in front of me and the seats were tiered and I was in sandals and she swung her hair around the chair and it landed on my foot. I nearly vomited. Cut that. Cut it now.
   So she raises her hand. And the TA calls on her and she asked how on Earth she is supposed to solve this problem when the mass is not given. He then had to reexplain the problem to her. YOU WERE SITTING IN THE SECOND ROW YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE FOR NOT SEEING OR HEARING HIM TRY TO TEACH YOU. So shut your mouth and let him give us the equations to solve the rest of the homework.

But she isn't alone. In my huge lectures there was always the same kid who raised his hand to ask random-ass questions. Questions on things that the professor had just spent 25 minutes explaining. Eventually the professor would just look at the dude and then ignore him the whole time. This is not the time to be asking these questions you idiot. That is why you have a recitation with the TA who is also in every lecture. Ask Tom. Even if Tom is an asshole, he will answer your damn question.

And last week in one of my classes some twat-waffle didn't even raise his hand. He just blurted out that our professor, who has been teaching this course for years, was spelling some enzyme wrong. She looked at her notes, looked up at him, and just calmly said "NO." So not only did he look like a jerk for shouting in class, he was a moron for shouting out about something wrong.

Just remember, there is such a thing as a stupid question. So keep your fucking mouth shut.

"I tried to get rid of my headache, but he came back."

Out of the way!

How do people not know how to walk? I don't mean that they cannot physically move their legs and put each foot in front of each other on repeat. I mean when they have to interact with other beings moving, they are unable to comprehend logic.

Let's say there is a thin sidewalk and there are 2 of you walking side by side creating a moving wall. Just chatting it up about den pops or how you have a wedgie and if it's clear to pick it. You both are looking forward as you are walking and here I am walking towards you. Appropriately moving along the right edge of the sidewalk. Since movement along a walking path is similar to driving, stay on the right side and pass on the left. Foreigners: adjust faster. Just open your eyes and follow what everyone else does. Crimeney.

Anyways. So here we are.
Me versus the two of you. We have made awkward eye contact. You know I am here and we're on a collision course. AND YOU DON'T MOVE. What the Hell? Where I am I supposed to go? Do I really have to be forced to get off the path into the street or something because you are rude enough that you can't stop walking next to each other instead of just walking in a line for 10 seconds?

But really you can't even blame a certain race or ethnicity or anything like that because everyone is always so rude.

But the worst are the slow walkers. Damn dude I'm trying to get to my destination in a timely manner and you might as well just be crawling or slithering around. But for some reason I cannot get around you because you are conveniently walking in my way at a speed that I cannot walk around you without running into someone going the opposite direction. I just can't stand it. If you are going to slowly morph into a snail, please do it not in the middle of the sidewalk you dumb turd.

"I'm not just going to Hell. I'm going to Hell on a full scholarship."

American Horror Story

SCARY THINGS ARE AWESOME.

I don't know if anyone else has a haunted area, but my parents' (HOLD ON. JUST ACCIDENTALLY TURNED ON AMERICAN HORROR STORY. BE PREPARED FOR RANDOM COMMENTS FROM THE SHOW. JUST THOUGHT IT WAS IRONIC THAT I JUST TURNED IT ON) house is haunted. I've known it almost since we moved in there. Our house is very old and has had 5 different additions after it was originally built. The upstairs has had the most work done on it. (Holy Shit the opening credits are freaky as fuck). I'm going to describe how the upper layout was for the majority of my life. At the top of the stairs on the left is a bedroom. Continue down the hall and there was my bedroom on the right. The hall would turn left and straighten out to my parents' room. You pass the bathroom and the nursery on the way there. I could not stand to be alone in my room after the sun had set. Once the lights outside had to turn on, there was no way I couldn't even have a tea party in my room. Granted I only used apple juice and goldfish. But that's not important. The reason I couldn't be alone up there, was because I was being watched. My parents weren't there to stand over me, and there was only my younger brother was around but he was always asleep really early and doesn't count. (Wow this shows is good. So much nudity). And then things started to go missing. Books, important documents, personal items, camera film. Sometimes, things would reappear in random places that were not appropriate for the items. Most have never shown up again.

There was a lot of activity this spring in summer in the house. It happened mostly to me and Brother 1. Before I got home from school, Brother 1 saw her. He drove up from school or somewhere. The light that's over the stairs turned on. There is that window we have at the landing on the stairs. So he saw the light turn on (What the Hell is going on in this show). And saw a womanly figure walk up the stairs and passed the landing. He went in the garage since the front door was locked. Once he got inside he shouted hello to my mom. No one was home.

I got home from school a few weeks later. I was really tired one night and went upstairs to my room and was reading. My phone was on silent. In the morning, I had a message from Brother 1 demanding I come downstairs, he needed me. I asked him what happened? He had been studying for finals and was going to get water out of kitchen. It was storming out. He was standing at the counter looking out towards the rest of the great room including the family room with 3 walls of windows. A flash went off and he looked up and saw her again. Standing in the room. In front of the window. The next flash of lightning showed nothing. He was paralyzed for a few minutes so that's why he messaged me.

The next week I came home late. Around 2 am. My parents' room was lit. I just walked past that part of the hall and down the hall to my room. Fell asleep pretty quickly. An hour later I heard a thud and it woke me up. I heard my mom talking. Well I heard a woman's voice but couldn't hear the words. I could tell someone was replying and heard boxes being moved.  It took me awhile before I could fall back asleep. Let me note my bedroom is in the front of the room so I can hear the difference between noises outside and noises inside. In the morning I asked why my parents were up so late. They were confused because they fell asleep at 1:30. No one except me was awake that late. No one else heard people talking or moving things.

I am not sure I really believe in ghosts. But they can freak me out. If a demon wants to possess you, what the fuck are you going to do?? You can't stop that shit. But I love it. It freaks me out and I can't stand it and it is awesome.

What I want to do, and I have wanted to do this for a while, is record small children singing. Anything with kids is automatically terrifying. I want to get a couple of kids together to sing "Rain rain, go away." Very, Very slowly. I want to have a recording of them singing so that whenever the water starts to slowly drip down and the lightning flashes, I will call you randomly. From an unknown or blocked number. And play the recording. In a silent room. When the recording ends, I will just slowly breathe into the phone. Until you finally hang up. Or I'll whisper a short phrase answering your question. Then hang up. Freaked out? Just wait until the rain starts to fall.

"I measure my success by body count."

Mumbling psycho

Hospitals are good places to people watch. You get a large variety of people there being treated and people there waiting for them.  People are passed out on couches, preparing for exams while waiting for friends to get fixed up, and fellows holding towels tightly against their bloody sliced fingers.  You can also tell who is a regular patient in the ER.

But why the Hell does this waiting room lack magazines?! And where are all the hot doctors?! Grey's Anatomy, among other shows, has taught me that there are always doctors oozing sex on duty and storage closets are always open and available for action. I can assure you this is a myth. And why aren't the couches regulation length? Even a shorty can't lay down on these. Who organizes the furniture here anyways? You don't put all the couches together in a powwow and only have chairs in the rest of the room. Or hide the vending machines behind the only wall in the room.

I need to get out of here. I'm not sleeping here. 3 hours and I'm out. Out of my freaking mind.

"If only I could find a job that pays me to sleep."

You are hot stuff. Like pizza.

What makes people attractive? Why do people fall for you? Ever wonder why people like you? I wonder this all the time. Because I think I'm fucking weird.

Since I've gotten my hair cut real short, I have fallen in love with fauxhawking it. I feel like a badass. I look badass. I don't care if it isn't girly enough. I mean I chopped off very many inches of hair already. Everyone said I was going to look butch. I don't. So why can't I fauxhawk it? Guys do it, I can do it too.

I have girl balls. Or so I have been told. By many. In fact, I was informed that they dropped at the early age of 8. I must have told a story about how I did something gutsy then. I always thought that this made me too intimidating to guys. Like when I wear high heels since they make me about 6 feet tall. My brother told me I'd never get a boyfriend because of that. I'm loud, aggressive, quirky, nerdy, and brutally honest. Do guys really like that? They don't get scared of me? How is that attractive?

Some people are just visible gorgeous. And it's true, there is a difference between being hot and being beautiful. And everyone has their own idea of each so that every person out there is considered lovely. So these naturally gorgeous people, do they know they are physically attractive? Do they ever wonder if the people interested are seeing beyond the outer presentation? Does it matter if these people are weird? Is being pleasant to look at all that you need for people to like you?

So why do we like who we do? Why do people like us? Why don't we ever really know? People can tell you you're nice and funny and cool and shit like that but it doesn't mean you believe it. And the individuals who know they are the shit aren't worth your time. Those sassy bastards.

I just wonder sometimes...

"You think I'm nasty? I think you're right."

Alcoholic Fish

Recently a friend has relayed a disturbing new trend to me. She was talking about some high school students who are turning into big party kids. And doing Minnow Shots. Um whaaaaaaaaaaaat.

This is quite possibly one of the dumbest things I have ever heard of. No, it is not just a dumb guy taking a shot with a minnow in it as a dare. They are going out and collecting tiny fish and putting them in shots of  alcohol. Probably vodka they carry around in a water bottle. Yeah. Real discrete kids, real secretive. And everyone is doing it. Why?! There is no logical (idiot's logic or legitimate logic) reason for doing this. I mean I've heard of other dumb drinking things like doing shots into your eye. The idiot logic for that one is that the alcohol gets into the blood stream faster despite the immense amount of pain of pouring alcohol ONTO YOUR EYEBALL. What sort of purpose does a small fish have? Does it help stir around everything in your stomach? You don't taste it, it's a shot. So why?? Does this seem cool to you, you 16 year old alcoholic? Yeah, you are really starting your life off on a good note. I wish I knew more people like you. Ha.

If you see someone doing this please slap them. If you start doing them, I will slap you. Can we please not have any other moronic drinking trends start? Wonderful. Because this shiz needs to stop a lot faster than an asian lady approaching a stop sign.

"He who laughs last is probably really stupid."

Fresh cheese balls.

I made a fabulous sandwich today. I thought it was delicious enough to share.

       So I really like fresh mozzarella cheese. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. It is way better than any other cheese and is always wonderful and nom. Nom nom nom. At home, I'll help make appetizers with my mom that are just like mini kabobs with a small ball of fresh mozzarella, baby tomato, and an olive (I don't like olives so I just give mine to the dog. Clearly I'm her favorite). So I knew that tomato and mozzarella was savory together.
       I really wanted to melt the cheese onto my sandwich sort of like panini style, or how they use cool culinary blow torches, but I wasn't really prepared for either of these approaches. So I just sliced up the cheese and put it on very lightly toasted bread. It didn't really get anything melty but I pretended it did anyways. I sliced up some tomato and put it on the other slice of bread. Then I took my deli turkey and just layered it between. The mozzarella was just these little balls in olive oil and some herbs (maybe Basil?) and so those flavors carried over onto the bread so no other condiments were needed. It was like heaven in my mouth. All the flavors blended perfectly but still stood out in their own special way.


My mouth is literally watering right now thinking of how delicious this simple sandwich was. Like if someone asked for a bite to try it, they would get shut down faster than the federal government when there is an inch and a half of snow. Haven't been to D.C. with a "winter storm" advisory for 2 inches of snow? That's good because everything closes. Even when there ends up being no snow at all...

"I chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week."

Eskihoes galore

It's when the weather turns like this that you start to see the rare Eskihoes emerge. I have studied these creatures for a while now. Never have I seen a male of these beings, only females. There is one main way to identify these unique individuals: look for the girls with short shorts or mini skirts and Ugg boots on. It may not need to be Uggs per say- just any type of cold weather boots.

Here is my problem with Eskihoes: If it's warm enough to be showing off your entire leg then why the hell do you need to wear heavy boots? And if it's going to be cold enough to wear warming boots, why the fuck do you have on booty showing clothes?

What is even the point of wearing those boots? You are just going to go home or a friends' apartment and take off your shoes. And because it is warm enough to be wearing your skanky outfits, that means it's warm enough to make your feet sweat. STINKY FEET. So you look sleazy and smell like an elephant just shit on a skunked wet dog. NONE of this is attractive. It was a good try, dumb bitch, but you still are having a huge no-no moment. I don't care if you even took 30 min to style your hair to make it seem like you just rolled out of bed. It. Does. Not. Work.

Another thing I don't understand. Shorts with leggings or tights. The same principle applies. If you can wear shorts and you want to wear shorts, why do you need an extra layer covering the rest of your legs? You look like a 5 year attempting to dress herself for the first time. Just put on a pair of pants. Or wear a dress/shirt that is long enough to wear with just leggings/tights. You don't make sense and look foolish.

If you ever see me in such an outfit, please slit my throat.

"Girl, that's not a makeover. That's a cry for help!"

I like my meat in the morning

Today was a roommate grocery shopping day. As some people know, I don't consistently have a car so when someone decides to make a run to Payless (grocery not shoe store. I know it confused the crap out of me too) then I jump into their car and say leggo.  And because I never know when I might make it back to replenish my supply of delicious morsels, I always stock up. For example, like with

BACON! 

In the past, my mom always suggested that I get the precooked bacon so that I could just heat it up quickly and add it to whatever it is that needs tasty strips of fabulousness. Like breakfast burritos, paninis, cupcakes, burgers, potatoes, bacon, etc. What? Bacon on bacon is the best. Doubt me? Then make it. Learn that I am always right. But really. Also, a perk is that it is way less messy. But recently I had bought some normal uncooked applewood bacon. NOM. So good. I mean once I did cook it obviously. I ain't no dumbass. And even though I haven't finished it, I still went over and checked out the prices of bacon at the store. When I saw the deal for 2 boxes of bacon for $6 it was just a deal I couldn't pass up.  So now I have an incredible amount of one of my absolute favorite meats. Easily top 3. I think.

Which I've been told is odd for a girl. So I really like bacon a lot and love to add it to many foods. I would choose it over veggies or something like that in a heartbeat. Apparently most girls enjoy bacon, but don't start drooling when they think of it nice and crispy and savoring that juicy taste. I don't understand. I'm actually drooling right now. (EWWWW. But like really.)

Maybe I just like bacon the same way I like my men: flavorful with a tough exterior, but weak enough so I can still break them and shape them how I like.

And apparently I take blogging requests?


"I am the exception to every rule."

Baby don't hurt me

Today I watch 500 Days of Summer for the first time. I've noticed several relationships similar to this movie. Except the whole marriage part. I don't really know many people getting married right now, I'm not that old. I'm still a baby (according to everyone older than me but age is not the subject of today). The subject today is the lack of emotions.

For a long time, society has told us that women are more emotional and dramatic. That we are all longing for a prince charming- or someone with a lot of money- to come find us, out of the billions of people on the planet. Then we have a wedding fit for a princess with lots of poofy and sparkly dresses and pretty colors and magic falling from the sky. Then our life is complete and we are awesome housewives and live happily together forever and ever.
 Happily ever after my ass.

The media has also taught us about how men are easy going and just go with the flow and can stay detached from their feelings. They are less emotional and more grounded and get applauded for being players. They never think about marriage and then out of the blue some angel drops onto their lap and they take away her independence and try to trap her in a kitchen. Bullshit.

This movie exposed what some people refuse to believe: girls can be just as detached as guys and boys can be more emotional invested and complicated like some girls are. These independent girls are often singled out as crazy or weird or sluts. Just like boys, not all girls want to be in a relationship. Some of us just like having fun and having to DTR (Define The Relationship) is annoying. Why can't things just stay how they are? Why do labels need to be attached? Why must emotions and facebook statuses get involved?

Not all girls have a white dress goal. Some have their wedding planned out, some have dates they want to be married by, some just don't give a flying fuck. Just because we can fool around or be really great best friends doesn't mean we all want more than that. Not saying we don't care, just saying that we don't want to be exclusively tied to you with emotions and having to be required to get each other gifts (instead of just being nice) or having trust issues about being around other people or communication issues (opposed to just not talking for a while because you have nothing to say). I mean I love everyone in my life, that doesn't mean I'm in love with you.

Everything gets more complicated when you involve emotions. Everyone knows that. Anyone who doesn't is incredibly dumb. And now knows it. And just because we don't want to be in a complex relationship constantly doesn't make us bad people. People who lie about it are bad people. Don't be a tricksy bastard with potential suitors.

At the end of the movie you end up feeling sort of bad for the guy. He fell in love with a girl who said she doesn't believe in love and who doesn't want a boyfriend. That is not her fault. I'm not saying it's his fault, but it is definitely not her problem.  She was straight up with him and he brought to the bedroom emotions that she didn't have or want.  Usually it's the other way around and they guy doesn't want commitment and the girl is all like "Oh but I love you!" and then is like "You're an asshole I can't believe I fell for your stupid lies!" It's nice to see a little heartbreak go the other way. Go ahead and call me a terrible person for saying it's a good change of pace to see a strong independent woman get what she wants and see the all-mighty white man fall to his knees for being unable to listen to her. Personally, I think he should go make her a sandwich.

"When in doubt, aim for the balls."

Fairies without wings

Recently I got a, what some would call drastic, haircut. My hair was about the length of my shoulders and I decided to chop it all off. I had wanted to do this for a long time but there was a lack of faith and trust in a good hairdresser so I waited.

Every girl understands the need to have a good hair stylist to cut our hair.  We all have had our fair share of botched haircuts. Ones so bad you have to run to a different hair stylist to get it fixed before anyone else saw you. Not many guys understand this because they have very basic haircuts. Also, we get very loyal to the people who can cut our hair they way we like. We trust them to make sure that we don't look like total buffoons when we go out in public (minus what clothes we are wearing or nonsense we put on our face).

So I got a pixie cut. It's super short. Like maybe an inch of hair in the back and on the sides. I still have bangs and it's still long on top so I can make it messy and gel it or slick it back or just have it normal.

I made a hypothetical $20 bet with one of my good friends the day that I got my "trim." I uploaded the picture to the right along with another one onto facebook. I made this fictional wager that NO BOYS would comment on either picture. It was fine if they "liked" the pictures but that none would comment on them. And I almost won this fictional bet except my brother had to say I looked like I belong in She's The Man. But why was he the only one? Why wouldn't a guy comment on them? Lots of girls did...

Is it because I look too much like a boy now? Totally disregarding my appropriately sized tits or my decently apparent waist or my tight jeans hugging my hips and ass. Does the fact that I willingly went and removed a lot of my hair make me intimidating? Or at least more intimidating than usual?
Maybe it's because they just don't understand. Why would someone with hair as long as mine was cut it all off? What is the purpose?

It's fun. It's playful. It's packed with attitude. And when would be a better time to experiment than right now? I love it. I can gel it up like a faux-hawk. How badass is that?

Just because I have short hair now does not make me look like a dyke. And I don't appreciate your jokes about it. None of us sexy girls with pixie cuts do. Because let's be honest, if you could, you would still bang Tinkerbell.

"I'll decide whether it's a compliment or sexual harassment."

Touch down in the friend zone

The friend zone. Conversations about this mythical land have been coming up a lot recently in my life and it's made me start to think. What is this zone and how do you get put in it? Is there a way out? Is it ever mutual?

I feel like the "friend zone" is something that only girls use. Like the whole, you are such a good guy and I know that and I love everything about you: you're funny, and nice, and a good listener, and respectful. I just wish all that was in a different body that I was sexually attracted to. Or one that has manners. Or doesn't make butt sex jokes every 5 minutes.  Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe boys do this too. They have a friend that they think is fucking awesome but would never let anything happen with because they don't want it to happen, not because they are worried about what would be the result if something did happen.

But that's just it. The nice guys get thrown into the "friend zone." In my experience, and the experiences of my friends, there are 2 types of guys: ones forward enough and let you know they want you straight from the start and the ones who wait around because they don't know how they feel and wouldn't want to destroy what relationship you have (which is just friends). These more cautious fellows tend to get passed over more often because of this. Which isn't fair I know but sorry boutcha.

I'm not sure if there is a way out of this. I've never seen someone (in real life) go from "Oh we're just friends" to "We're in love" without the thought that there could be something having passed through the individuals' minds before. It's hard to make that comeback from being a nonsexual object. Unless you both are quite drunk and someone takes off their clothes. Then maybe the possibility will arise. But I don't think so.  The couples that become... coupley... after they had been friends were never just friends. At least one of the people had thought about something more or had a naughty dream about the other.  They just don't always want to admit it (sober).

Do guys have a friend zone? They might say they do, but if given the opportunity for more with one of their lady friends, would they not take it? Because don't, generally, people hang out with others who are of approximately the same attractiveness? So if all your man friends think you are at least cute already and you have him a window of opportunity, wouldn't he jump through that window and onto you?

I think only in a few rare cases is it a mutual placement into this land. Few walk into it together and stay there. But it's nice when you do. But for most people, it's full of wonder on where your relationship -friends or could be more- stands. And what to do about it. I still have those issues and they haunt me EVERY day. (Clearly a lie. Nothing haunts me. And I don't analyze these things.)

"Do what to myself? Yeah, right If only I could."

I can't hear you...

I like my music loud. All day erryday. So when I have my iPod playing, I can almost guarantee that I can't hear anything you are saying. But like really. I play it so loud that I can't hear the band practicing when I pass their practice area. Who gives a shit about hearing? It's all about the vision anyways.

But so when anyone has their headphones in and are listening to whatever it is they are listening to, it probably means they DON'T want to listen to your voice. If they wanted to hear you speak, then they would take off their headphones obviously.

Like when I'm in the library and have my music blaring in my ear to drown out the sound of other languages and group discussions around me, that includes you: creepy man I have never met before. I am clearly focused on doing work and don't want you to bother me. Especially you, old dude. How are you even a student?! So naturally when I'm sippin on my gatorade and workin a physics problem, you should walk over to me from the table next to me to say to me that my gatorade is healthy. First off, it really isn't that healthy. Second, what the hell did you just say. Are you blind? Can't you see I'm busy and I've got my earbuds in? Third, WHO ARE YOU.
               I have never met you before, mister, and I would prefer to keep it that way. I had to pause my music and take out my earbuds just to hear what you were saying. After, of course, I had to almost shout "Excuse me?" since my hearing hadn't yet adjusted to the quieter library volume.  Just to hear you say my gatorade was a better choice than your coffee. No sir, actually a cup of coffee a day is good for you. Much like a glass of red wine (the darker the better it is for your heart no joke).
              Okay so you've said your stupid comment and my concentration goes back to homework and listening to Yo Yo Ma (the man is a genius don't hate). But I can see you staring at me from your table. You are looking over here like every 10 min for an hour and a half. I DON'T KNOW YOU YOU ARE CREEPY STOP THAT BECAUSE I CAN SEE YOU LOOKING OVER HERE. All I want to do is get my prelab done and study anatomy. That's all. And I feel like you tried to talk to me but finally realized that I CAN'T HEAR YOU and I'm not looking over and checking in on you every second.
             I was overjoyed to see you pack your shit up. You kept walking back and forth to take calls or go pee or sharpen your pencils or other stupid things and would stare at me as you went past. I'm awfully observant and can see you creeping. But then as you are leaving, you walk over to say goodbye to me. Like we are just good ol' chums and can't wait to see each other again. NO. I did the half-assed smile like I'm being polite but I don't know you so leave me alone.

So please, people, when someone is clearly in the zone or just has their headphones in (library especially) leave them alone. I leave other people alone because if I don't want to be bothered, neither do they. Unless I'm actually friends with you then that's okay. But I will ignore anyone who tries to talk to me unless physical contact or direct eye contact has been made. Which is awkward. But not quite as awkward as being the only white girl left in the library. I think I'll leave now...

"Men put us up on pedestals so they can see up our skirts."